Faulty Advice Friday | Jake

Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday! This is the place to get your toughest questions answered.


Lydia,

I loathe both political parties and want to secede from the union. How should I go about extricating my small spread from the insanity that has taken over the country?

Jake

Happy Cabbage Night (day?) Jake! 🎃
I have to admit, this is quite the loaded question, but if not now, when?

Wanting to secede from the union isn’t all that uncommon actually. Many have done it before, believe it or not, and you can too! If you’re like me, you may not have been aware that seceding from the union doesn’t actually mean that you have to get your whole state involved. Secession can be a group of like minded beings who bounce on the traditional to make a new territory.

Now that we’ve covered the finer details, I have to admit that it took me a moment to find the most proper way to help you. Initially, my instinct was to help you achieve the impossible pre-pubescent teenage boy’s dream: become invisible. In theory, you would be able to live happily and quite free, with the added bonus of getting to venture through locker rooms for your own enjoyment. Unfortunately, I realized that if you aren’t actually part of that super elite 1%, you’re already rocking a cloak of invisibility. (No worries though, me too, and we look daaaamn good, potato sack and all!)

I’m sure at this point we’re probably preeeettty eye to eye on what my next thought HAD to be, “Man, assassination attempts are seriously under utilized in today’s society. Ho-hum.”

And if you weren’t, well, Jake, if that is your real name, I don’t even know who you are anymore! Let’s just be honest here, who in this country is NOT addicted to massive tragedies that are followed up by life long conspiracies?

Exactly. I hear those crickets just as loud as you do. I mean, look, you’d not only have a family legacy that stalks your lineage for generations (infamy is like chlamydia, the gift that keeps on giving), BUT! You’d escape the hum drum of today’s ridiculousness.

As ill advised as that might be… No, no. We seriously cannot.

After a period of inner reflection, I realized you had the power all along! What can you do to successfully pack up your things and get outta dodge? Drugs.

You’re going to need to locate your local rave children and hoodlums; my best guess during our trying time, check out the COVID party. I hear they’re often held on the second floor of the Chicken Pox party, and the Polio Pirate’s Hide Away. (Take a left a Blockbuster, you can’t miss it.)

Several of them should have access to the gallons of PCP you’ll be needing. Everyone has their own taste however, so it doesn’t have to be PCP, dealer’s choice!

Once you’ve blown your life savings on the party favors, you’re going to make your way over to the area’s largest water tower and get to mixin’! It may take a few moments to completely blend, but once you can see your future, eh, you’ve done enough.

This is the best method one can use in order to not only save yourself, but also, your friends and neighbors. Believe-you-me, they’re going to be a bit too busy hiding from their imaginary reptile trespassers to worry about all those political reptilians.

And just like that, the entire province will have seceded into their own minds, and since you’ve used an obscene amount of hallucinogens, that should be p e r f e c t .

Just slip into something more comfortable (not a come on Jake, you’ll be thanking me later for advising some sweat pants). Designate a safe place for when the freak outs begin (preferably near an abundance of lava lamps).

Consider yourself extricated. 😎

Happy Independence Day, Jake-donia!😍


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Faulty Advice Friday | rottnblossm

Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday! This is the place to get your toughest questions answered.


Lydia,

My dad just started dating again, and his new girlfriend is the pits! How can I break my dad and his girlfriend up?

rottnblossm, Florida

Greetings rottnblossm!

Navigating the awkwardly uncertain seas of someone else’s love life is a tricky task. If you feel up to the challenge, let’s quit wasting time.

If you happen to be lucky enough to go to a lush af summer camp only to discover your long lost identical twin, stop reading here. There’s an entire movie (and remake) with step by step guides on how to make your dad’s girl run for the hills. On the more probable chance that you aren’t an unrealistic character with incredibly bizarre and unlikely situations arising throughout your life—I offer you the following:

As all of us know by now, Stacy’s mom has got it goin’ on. Unless this woman has a daughter named Stacy, I’m fairly confident your father will be able to escape the succubus’ vile and despicable wiles. (To all those with Stacy step-siblings, we salute you 🤤. Just deal with your new kink and keep it moving.)

Consider letting this halftime hussy know how adorable your father thinks her crow’s feet are— just to weaken her defenses. Once her quivering lip and attempts at hiding the cracking of her voice, tell her all about the other girlfriends/flings/one nightstands he’s had in the last week. If she’s new enough that you can get away with mixing up names, bonus points.

That should be enough to get her panicking and send those daddy issues into hyper drive. When she confronts your father and tries to drag you in as her defence, deny, deny, deny. Accuse her of being irrational and ask your dad if he’s going to allow this woman to call you a liar.

9 out of 10 dad’s won’t want to deal with another crazy (like he’s always said your mother was before the change) and she’ll be on the street before you can say, “Jumpin’ Geehosofat!”

That being said, 9 out of 10 ladies won’t be fooled by this act of chicanery. The above has only been proven to work on the more weak and somewhat… off kilter types. That won’t stop you though! As Daddy always said, “If at first you don’t succeed, try double homicide!”

You’ve got no choice left, but to kill her parents.

Killing her parents shows you mean business and aren’t afraid to take out people you don’t know just to make a point. Yes, yes, Mr. and Mrs. So-N-So are theoretically fantastic humans. Possibly some of the most loyal God fearing red blooded Americans out there—but really, how great can they be? She is their daughter after all. It’s their fault, you didn’t want to kill anyone, they made you do it.

Your father’s first inclination will be to console his grieving lady friend. Completely right to do so, of course! In your case, rottnblossm, you’re going to need to taunt your unwanted pest. Allowing your dad to fulfill his duties as you begin to leave subtle hints for her. Clues that can’t fully confirm or deny your involvement, but make her think not twice but three or four times. For your act to not be done in vain, she needs to question her sanity. If she’s not tearing her hair out in front of a mirror, wearing 4 day old ice cream stains on her ill fitting pajamas (that definitely fit better 4 days ago), while messing up the words to some random nursery rhyme, then you’re not doing enough.

Things you can do to step up your game include (but are not limited to):

  • Appear behind her in a mirror, or write cryptic messages.
  • Break some of her favorite knick knacks.
  • Nothing says “get the fuck out,” better than the old bugs-in-her-pillows-and-clothes-pockets gag.
  • A cardboard cut out of yourself with reflective tape on the eyes to make it seem like you’re everywhere at once.
  • Pro tip: if you do this, make sure you come back to clean it up before she can show anyone else.

In a matter of days this would-be step-mother can be reduced to a wobbly unstable plate of gelatin.

The final step: call on the men in white coats. Let your father think it’s his idea to call in some professionals. He’ll think he’s doing the right thing and Silly Sally will be too concerned trying to figure out what you are to put up a fight.

Happy hunting, rottnblossm!😍


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Faulty Advice Friday | UnfocusedFrUsTrAtIoN

Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday! This is the place to get your toughest questions answered.


Lydia,

How can I get out of a conversation with a coworker that I can’t stand?

UnfocusedFrUsTrAtIoN, Utah

Happy Friday UnfocusedFrUsTrAtIoN!

This is a great question, one everyone has had to figure out at least once. It’s typically those poorly timed situations where we get cornered in the break room by that one person who effortlessly makes our skin crawl! The amount of material they seem to contain is, honestly, pretty astounding. Their superb banter about belly button lint, favorite candidates, strange rashes they just have to show you—it’s a wormhole of never ending discomfort. You may not hate this coworker, but, you still don’t want to hear about the horse shoe crab measuring contest and how the guy down the hall forgot to remind them to go…

One of the best ways out is through. YES, you heard me right! I’m saying you need to participate in this trainwreck of a conversation, and I don’t just mean actively listening until an escape route presents itself. You’re going to have to out weird that fantastically absurd beast.

If they’re telling you (in excruciating detail) about mumsie’s bunions peeling crusty skin bits after bath time—gag—your very next statement must be an offer to provide them with a mason jar to collect the flakes and bring them on for you. The more enthusiasm, the better. Don’t fret, you needn’t offer a reason for such a request, in fact, managing to keep up a mysterious caginess should work in your favor. Few and far between will your creep be a person who delights from such a request, ready and willing to appease. Almost 90% of the time they’ll start hunting for an escape route from you!

However, if you do happen to be unlucky enough to work with one of those super intense 10 percenters, we have ways to get away from with them too. MUAHAHHAHAHA *cough, cough* Ahem. So sorry. Anyway—

One tried and true method is to entrap someone near you. Somewhat more of a temporary solution, (as you may not always be able to beckon someone over) this is when you introduce the intern/new guy/unfortunate passer-by to your esteemed colleague and twirl your evil mustache while you gleefully walk away. It’s a right of passage for every employee, so who are you to deny this unsuspecting victim—uh—new comer, of their turn? Besides, you’ve paid your dues! Scurry away and find some old burned coffee to celebrate.

In today’s world, many of us have been working from home, navigating the waters of video chat meetings and marathon phone calls. You know that mug that says, “This meeting could’ve been an email?” Yeah…

The thing about all our fancy gadgets is: they don’t always work properly. From dropped calls, to frozen web cams—a little creativity goes a long way.

Don’t be afraid to hurt someone’s feelings, go for the jugular if you must. What’s the worst that can happen? You create the world’s next serial killer? Ehhh. You’ll be fine.

Oh, there is actually one other option. Slowly, (and I mean like slugs in molasses riding turtle back on a package you ordered from a sketchy website when drunk kind of slow) start removing bits and pieces from their space. Unnoticeable things at first, things they would just scratch their heads about and carry on. Work your way up to the big stuff. I once received a call from a colleague asking where their water cooler went… So… The slower you move, the more amusing it’ll be when they do notice.

Now, go out there armed with your newly acquired avoidance strategies. Escape the halitosis humbug, emerge as the blissfully cocooned caterpillar you always wanted to be. Social butterflies are overrated anyways.

Enjoy your coworker free weekend (hopefully) UnfocusedFrUsTrAtIoN!😍


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime shall is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Faulty Advice Friday | NewlyNeurotic

Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday! This is the place to get your toughest questions answered.


Lydia,

My anniversary is coming up, what should we do to celebrate?

NewlyNeurotic, Pennsylvania

Well, congratulations for the anniversary you’re celebrating, NewlyNeurotic! I’m sorry to say, however, that we won’t be doing much of anything… as we’ve only just met, but I think I can help you come up with something memorable anyway. No matter what you’re celebrating or who you’re with, you can pretty much break out this bad boy for any occasion.

Let’s start with the basics: you’re going to need some food, refreshments, decorations, and of course your closest friends and family (without going over this week’s max COVID occupancy limit). Take a stroll over to the local dollar store and snag whatever catches your eye.
Pro tip: you can’t go wrong with dollar store cheese slices. You can hold a flame directly on ’em and they’ll never melt ;). Thank me later.

An absolute MUST are those teeny tiny spongy pill things, that when dropped into water grow into big ol’ dinosaurs. (They’ll definitely make sense later, now’s not the time for more questions, Neurotic!)

If you’ve never investigated what’s available here, start by walking through the aisle of misfit toys for some creative ideas. Even if you don’t get anything from that aisle, at least the knock off amputee version of those popular pony toys will give you a chuckle.

Anywho, since you’ve got your Chernobyl proof cheese, you’re finally ready to get home and decorate. Hang the streamers, clean the room, spike the drinks if that’s what you’re into-cyanide or booze, dealers choice-and anxiously await your guests!

Once everyone has arrived, grab your drink and make a toast of gratitude. One thanking everyone for not only coming, but for being with you to witness this momentous event. With everyone on the edge of their seats, here’s where you inform them that you’ve finally gotten up the nerve to start this amazing journey. Drop down to one knee, take your partner by the hand, and look deeply into their eyes. If you can see the look of absolute shock and happiness on their face – you’re ready.

Hold out your hand, revealing the spongy pill and ask if they would grow some dinos with you.

One of two things will happen, you’ll get a dino growing partner, OR you’ll get to grow ’em all on your own and enjoy your social status of extinction with your real friends.

Fingers crossed for ya, NewlyNeurotic! Be sure to let me know how it goes 😍!


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime shall is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Faulty Advice Friday | BORiNGhorsePARADE

Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday! This is the place to get your toughest questions answered.


Lydia,

What’s a good hobby to get into?

BORiNGhorsePARADE, Oklahoma

Hey there BORiNGhorsePARADE!

First of all… What the hell is a boring horse parade, and where have you seen such a thing? Is it like a horse race where they’re all trapped in a k-hole, trying to hide from a T-Rex? Do tell. Do, tell.

Although, I kinda feel like that actually might not be boring to watch…

Anyways, let’s get to it: a hobby by definition is something you do in your free time for pleasure. Honestly, this question is a little on the subjective side, that being said, I’ll do my best.

Sometimes hobbies are most fun when done in groups. A lot of people find their missing pieces when they come together with people who enjoy the same things they do. If that sounds like you, perhaps you would prefer chanting a passive aggressive mantra while dancing naked around a fire, sacrificing small children and selling your soul to they who must not be named. Finding the right commune for you might be a bit of a struggle, but you always know once you find your shepard. Your people are waiting my friend, consider looking into former pop punk frontmen and going from there. Maybe watch a few documentaries first though…

Group activities aren’t for everyone though, which is completely understandable. If you’re more of an independent type of pastime, maybe something that won’t cost much and welcomes any skill level, give parkour a try.

No need to work your way up to build strength, stamina, agility, or even balance: go all in. You know what they say: go big or go home! Take a look around, find the tallest building in your area and head to the roof.

Since this is probably about to be the most wickedly awesome thing you’ve ever done, invite everyone you know to watch AND stream it live through various social media platforms, of course.

Your adrenaline will go into overdrive, palms might be a tad sweaty, but don’t worry—unless you just had some of your mom’s spaghetti… No, no, still no need to worry. This, this is your moment. Wipe those hands off on your skinny jeans and take a deep relaxing breath.

It’s so, SO, important that you get a running start. Better to back up as far as you can, then sprint to the end of the roof. Just before you run off the edge, kick off and spring across the gap toward the roof of the building next door. I’m sure you’ve seen videos on the internet, cartoons, movies; the absolute rule here, is don’t look down. You’ll stay in the air as long as you don’t look down.

Whatever you decide to do; be it communal activities with new friends who dress alike and sing songs about the end of days, or learning why man was never meant to fly—do it with a smile.

Hope you find your thing, BORiNGhorsePARADE! 😍


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime shall is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Faulty Advice Friday | BatteredNBroke

Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday! This is the first installment of (hopefully) many, where I take some time to answer your toughest questions.


Lydia,

What can I do today to put myself in a better financial position a year from now?

BatteredNBroke, New Hampshire

Hey there BatteredNBroke!

This is a great question, everyone could use some extra dough right? Well, here’s the most important key: invest in your future.

Start by heading to your local arms dealer, this can be on the street or more likely, within the nearest massive chain store. Assuming it’s the latter, you’re going to have to wear traditional dress in order to achieve your task: a double canned beer hat, and a neon colored unitard. This unitard should be at least 3 sizes too small, this will help to accentuate what ever else you might be packin’, if you catch my drift. Shoes are entirely optional, although I believe mismatched ones bring you into the upper class ranking. Once you’ve got the outfit down – you’re more than half way there.

You should be able to simply walk up to the counter and request the bang-banger of your choice. Snatch that puppy outta the clerk’s hands, load up on extra bullets (you can never have too many), and grab a pair of women’s tights on your way out.

Return to your car, and place the tights over your face, making sure to obscure any particularly memorable features. Drive several towns out of the way and enter the first bank you see. The patrons WILL look at you strangely, but honestly it’s just because they’re jealous.

If you haven’t been tackled by a security guard at this point, you’ll want to let the teller know that you’re there to make a withdrawal. Once you’ve completed this transaction, most likely they’ll have triggered a silent alarm… Don’t panic. Just thank them, let one round rip into the ceiling, then turn around and head for the door.

No matter what happens next, you’ll be in a better financial position this time next year, as you’ll either have: (a) no worries anymore 👻, (b) no bills, three meals, a place to sleep, and a slimming uniform, or (c) figured out how to make it to Switzerland and live the high life!

Good luck BatteredNBroke! 😍


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime shall is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.