Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday! This is the first installment of (hopefully) many, where I take some time to answer your toughest questions.
Lydia,
What can I do today to put myself in a better financial position a year from now?
BatteredNBroke, New Hampshire
Hey there BatteredNBroke!
This is a great question, everyone could use some extra dough right? Well, here’s the most important key: invest in your future.
Start by heading to your local arms dealer, this can be on the street or more likely, within the nearest massive chain store. Assuming it’s the latter, you’re going to have to wear traditional dress in order to achieve your task: a double canned beer hat, and a neon colored unitard. This unitard should be at least 3 sizes too small, this will help to accentuate what ever else you might be packin’, if you catch my drift. Shoes are entirely optional, although I believe mismatched ones bring you into the upper class ranking. Once you’ve got the outfit down – you’re more than half way there.
You should be able to simply walk up to the counter and request the bang-banger of your choice. Snatch that puppy outta the clerk’s hands, load up on extra bullets (you can never have too many), and grab a pair of women’s tights on your way out.
Return to your car, and place the tights over your face, making sure to obscure any particularly memorable features. Drive several towns out of the way and enter the first bank you see. The patrons WILL look at you strangely, but honestly it’s just because they’re jealous.
If you haven’t been tackled by a security guard at this point, you’ll want to let the teller know that you’re there to make a withdrawal. Once you’ve completed this transaction, most likely they’ll have triggered a silent alarm… Don’t panic. Just thank them, let one round rip into the ceiling, then turn around and head for the door.
No matter what happens next, you’ll be in a better financial position this time next year, as you’ll either have: (a) no worries anymore 👻, (b) no bills, three meals, a place to sleep, and a slimming uniform, or (c) figured out how to make it to Switzerland and live the high life!
Good luck BatteredNBroke! 😍
Lapsed Reality 
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