Faulty Advice Friday | JR

Advertisements

Welcome back to Faulty Advice Friday!

The place to F I N A L L Y get your toughest questions a n s w e r e d.


Lydia,

Do children make good packing material? Just asking because I’m shipping some glassware.

JR

Let’s kick this faulty advice Friday right in the teeth: what’s cold and blue and doesn’t move? (Shh shh. Let them guess!) Alright, ready? The baby in my freezer!

JR, I can’t possibly fathom why you’d want to use children to make your packing materials. (Kathy Lee Gifford would probably approve of your style though)

Seems like a fruitless effort in my opinion; most of ’em would probably just squish a bunch of play dough and do a wee bit of paper machè. Neither of which am I inclined to believe would protect your precious glassware. But, if you’ve got some hangin’ around, might as well take a moment to mention a new eco-friendly form of packaging for the masses.

Infant stuffed crates, toddler lined totes, teenage coach ba—… I mean, I could go on. But what’s the number one foolproof way to ship such delicate and fra-gee-lay items?

Advertisements

It helps to pick an outfit. The reason entrepreneur types are better than everyone else is clearly because of their signature looks. Might I suggest grabbing some inspiration from what Christian Bale rocked while discussing Huey Lewis and the News with dear Paul Allen. Pro tip: this will save on clean-up later!

Depending on what sort of glassware you’re shipping determines how one might want to utilize the children. There’s no such thing as ‘Wasteful Wendy’s here.

Use intestines for wrapping vases, or to mimic the protection of bubble wrap. If you remember those weird little tube toy things that made everyone mildly uncomfy in the 90s, handling intestines (large or small) is a lot like that. Be careful with those slippery bastards!

Fingers, toes, and finely chopped limbs can be used in place of packing peanuts in a pinch!

The proper procedure for this does become a bit lengthy, but you end up with a two for one. Who wouldn’t be into that? You’ll want to dry the bits and bobs, and it will be a lengthy process. Begin checking the “Cherky” after about 3 hours to avoid over-drying. An extra reason to apply this method? If you have a furry friend that likes to eat all things they shouldn’t – feasting on child jerky is totally cool, and occasionally kosher.

Of course, you can always flay them and simply wrap your glasses in freshly peeled skin wraps. If they’re particularly fresh, as in just off the rack [*ba dum tiss… don’t @me*] the sinewy tissues still coated with a tasteful splash of blood can help to get in there and stick the packing material to your glassware for that super extra security.

Advertisements

So, do children make good packing materials? Yeah, I’d say so. From their flesh to their bones, and even some of their teeth – you can definitely count on them to get your items…. well… at least to the post office. I’m not sure how much further they’ll get from there, probably find yourself a new fancy pair of chain-linked steel bracelets though. Free jewelry, am I right?

Happy hunting JR! I hope your glassware is safe on all its travels.

Stay spooky!👻🥰


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Advertisements

Faulty Advice Friday | BkDeCay666

Advertisements

Welcome back to Faulty Advice Friday!

The place to F I N A L L Y get your toughest questions a n s w e r e d.


Lydia,

I’m having trouble sleeping through the night without waking up a hundred times, any suggestions?

BkDeCay666

Greetings from the land of the well rested, BkDeCay666! Must suck to be stuck in the waking world so often… I joke, I joke, I kid, I kid. I’ve never been among the fortunate sleepers out there, but let’s get started. Maybe you’ll even be able to make it through the night.

That waking restlessness you’ve got going on is definitely from ghosts. If you can’t sleep, there’s about a 99.9999999999% chance there’s summin’ dead staring at your face. Now, I’m not one to judge, but if you’ve got some kinda freaky deaky goin’ on with this paranormal paramour, you can always hang out with Ke$ha, Demi Moore, and Snedeker dude. #YouAreNotAlone Not feelin’ that GhostBuster’s mojo? Call in the very best in Ghost Bully Specialists and they’ll probably yell a buncha weird shit and try to fight the ghost for you. -Shrug- if you can’t sleep, might as well have some fun, huh?

If it’s not ghosts (it definitely is, but just in case) you could always try that modern medical marvel, the sleeping pill. All experiences may vary but, I believe this might just be a job for the likes of the Ambien Walrus*.

Advertisements

Promising to help you sleep, you won’t be waking up a million times a night anymore. You’ll have one of two things happen, a super restful sleep that sometimes makes you feel a bit groggy, or an adventure you’ll never remember.

Creatures like the aforementioned walrus are customary in the land of no return. I recall a friend of mine once demanding that her husband explain himself. We both looked at her confused, but she was solidly certain that he’d come home with three green people and wanted to know why these green people were in her home. Additionally, I once caught her playing with an empty trash bag on her bed… she said she was playing with the dog. But I digress, you’ll have your own sort of guide to get you through. Also, oodles of inanimate objects will begin to dance and breathe, don’t panic. Just start taking videos and sending them to all your friends so they can see how beautiful and horrifying the dancing snow is. They’ll love it. Trust me.

Not diggin’ adding a medication to your routine but still want to sleep? No biggie, I understand, some people aren’t for that kind of wild ride. You’ll have to preform a sacred ritual in order to confront the Sandman. Grab traditional sleeping robes: a ripped up band-T and some plaid pajama pants. If you don’t have the traditional garb, you’ll have to make due with whatever is available (may the Sandman have mercy on your soul). Lay in your bed, as still as possible, breathing as shallow as you can. Chant ‘Hooma, Booma, Chrimba, Zoomba!!” over and over until the Sandman arrives. If the sun comes up before he shows, you don’t have one, and will sadly have no choice but to crack yourself on the head each night with an item of your choosing. Sorry, but it’s the only way to guarantee not waking, sucks to suck, yano? BUTTTTTTT, if he does come through, ask him politely to add a few more drizzlings of sand to your batch. He should be cool about it, or maybe chop off your head. Who knows? If you find out, definitely let me know.

Advertisements

Waking a gazillion times can drive you crazy. No, really, I’m not kidding. So if you’re going to do something, why not do it right? Give up on trying to sleep, if you don’t sleep – you can’t wake up over and over right? Right.

God speed BkDeCay666, may the Sandmen and sleep aids forever guide you to your dream world.

Stay spooky!👻🥰

*Experiences may vary, Ambien Walrus is not a guaranteed new friend, but often lurks about.


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Advertisements

Faulty Advice Friday | NormalBatesBnB

Welcome back to Faulty Advice Friday!

The place to F I N A L L Y get your toughest questions a n s w e r e d.


Lydia,

What 4 actions would you say are the keys to success?

NormalBatesBnB

NormalBatesBnB, hey, hi, thank you for coming. I’m not sure if I should put the lotion in the basket or consider bathing by bubble bath from now on… Either way… Do… Uh.. do you have long pig at your B&B? Kinda dying to know tbh. (Why am I stuck on cannibalism two posts in a row? Someone needs to check on us I guess haha.) Anywho…

I would like to start by mentioning that associating one’s self with a rather prolific horror icon miiiiiiiiight or might not be the way to do anything successful. Truthfully, it could go either way. I used to have a friend who made chain store club cards to put in for those who’d forget theirs in the names of different serial killers. She got caught by a customer once and needless to say, it was incredibly hilarious to watch her stumble through explaining who this ‘Albert Fish’ was and why he bought their {[REDACTED_ITEM_BRAND]}. So, do with that what you will.

Advertisements
Advertisements

First and foremost, in order to become one of the successful beautiful people (achieving this level unlocks warranties for plastic cheeks: tops and bottoms) you’re going to have to SEND ANONYMOUS PACKAGES. Secretly enlist a friend to unsuspectingly obtain the address of your target. Search the intrawebz for anonymous packages to suit your specific needs.
Speaking from experience, sometimes sending something out of the ordinary is better than something gross. (I.E. Anonymously mailing your colleague a package instructing them to eat a bag of dicks, with dick glitter/confetti, magnets, and gummies inside. Signing a client’s name as the sender…*chef’s kiss*.. or… you know. mailing your boss a mini piñata with a note exclaiming “Merry Christmas!” in an alternate language, just in time for a completely different holiday….) Sorry, tangent. Do it.

The only logical next step from converting to snail-mailer-daemonism is to hop on board with the Illuminati. Don’t reach for the tinfoil yet, hear me out: IF you join the group that everyone knows exists, but denies existence of, who’s to say you AREN’T already in the Illuminati? Head hurt? Confused? Good, everyone else will be too. Proudly promote your status as a tippy-top officer with oodles and boodles of juicy insider knowledge. Build up intense mystery/buzz/rumors around your life, make sure you get this stuff all across the globe. Eventually, some new friends will show up and, well, they’ll have eternity to know your flesh. *shivers*

Now that you’ve rearranged the pecking order in the office and secured your place in the NWO, you’ll need to get some money to match your obviously lavish and crazy life style. Who works anymore? Pffft. Get into the Praying Mantis Breeding* game. Lucrative, unique, something to tell the family about! Added bonus, turning up your nose at those eeee-diotz who recoil in fearful disgust from seeing your diorama of Mantis Brothels.

Advertisements

Finally, when’s the last time you ate something? It’s important to stay fully hydrated and fueled or you won’t have any energy to go out and concur the world. Or… be spiteful and mean, dealer’s choice I suppose.

No, no, that’s it. Go getchurself a snack and some water. (: You deserve it you Mantis Breeding Free Mason who terrorizes people with strange and unexpected mail. Your success will be unmatched.

Parting with this final thought: keys to success are not for the faint of heart; each step must be completed in this order for best results.

I wish you luck on your road to the top NormalBatesBnB, but, you know, please don’t creep on anyone in the shower…

Stay spooky!👻🥰


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Advertisements

Faulty Advice Friday | AwkzCable

Welcome back to Faulty Advice Friday!

The place to F I N A L L Y get your toughest questions a n s w e r e d.


Lydia,

i can’t cook. i have no interest in learning but i’m bored of pizza rolls. what should i do?

AwkzCable

Merry Fri-muss AwkzCable, what a mess you’ve been. I’m sure ol’ Saint Lydia Claus has something for you 🙄😞

I can’t cook either, and while that may seem to some like an unlikely inability, it’s true! I’ve been known to turn poptarts into magma in toaster ovens. What I would have to advise is to couple up with a super cool cook type, and let them take care of the dirty work. ……. I mean….. 😉😆

If you’re not interested in abandoning your freedom/individuality/independence/whatever else the kids say these days… I’d say you have only a modicum of proper, plausible choices.

Advertisements

Choice 1: Peanut Butter and Jelly. There’s nothing more appealing than some of that salty sticky nuttiness between two slices of toasty bread, slathered in a whole mess o’ jelly. This should be a staple in the pizza roll maniac’s cookbook. — Just sayin’. If you have a peanut allergy, (i feel bad for you son. I got a lotta allergies, but a nut ain’t one) then I suppose that sucks and you will unfortunately have to starve about it. Come at me bro.

Choice 2: Hunger Strike. Who doesn’t love a good hunger strike? With the world we’re in, you could essentially live off spite and never ever have to eat again. I mean… shit, they say twiggy is the new piggy right? #GetEm You can fight the man, throw an adult sized temper tantrum because no one’s cooking food for you, AND potentially end up getting your way while pushing some potentially unbelievable agenda? Sign me up bro. (No, actually, don’t, this sounds kinda awful, I for one love pasta… and the FSP, so.. more nothing for you I suppose?)

Choice 3: The ol’ switcharoo. Pop over to a friend’s house, or even a relative. See if they’ve got anything edible, and feel free to switch out some of their food for your inedible frozen friends. This may require some level of tactful skill, be willing to start small. Make sure you take things no one will miss at first (brussel sprouts, some ay-pples and ba-nonos) and graduate to the bigger stuff once you’ve sufficiently convinced this friend/family member that it’s simply their failing mental faculties misplacing all these items.

Choice 4: Cannibalism. I mean, if I have to explain this one, I don’t think you’re ready for it. As my long lost great uncle once said, “If you’re going to eat meat, might as well be long pig.’

Additional points to choosing cannibalism? Might become a Wendigo (won’t know until you try right?). You can corner the market on food trucks for those who also share such predilections. You’re going to end up on Investigation Discovery at some point, and if that’s not #GOALS, I don’t know what is.

Hopefully you’re able to enjoy some of these very useful options. I know sometimes it can be difficult to think outside the box about our diets, but you know, it’s something we’ve got to pull together and figure out.

Stay mopey AwkzCable, keep yourself nourished. If you can’t think clearly, how in the hell you guna get away with it? Lemme get some shovels up in here.

Stay spooky!👻🥰


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Advertisements

Faulty Advice Friday | Pack0fl0new0lves

Welcome back to Faulty Advice Friday!

The place to F I N A L L Y get your toughest questions a n s w e r e d.


Lydia,

You’ve got to help me. I keep making plans with people but can’t seem to stick to em. I’m just not in the mood anymore. What should I do? How can I fix it?

Pack0fl0new0lves

Pack0fl0new0lves, welcome to the club… 🙄😞

Normally I find myself stuck on someone’s name for a moment, but when I saw this question, I could feel the need to help deep down in ma plums. *insert weird deep voice here*

More often than not, when one experiences the phenomena you’ve expressed here today, it can be chalked up to what we experts call, ‘Uh-oh spaghetti O’s!’

Advertisements

While you find yourself longing for the companionship of loved ones, you’re simply easily seduced by the comfort of some rather voluptuous bed sheets. So what is one to do upon receiving the UOSO (phonetically: oOOo-so) diagnosis? Well I guess there’s out one way out: t h r o u g h.

Instead of continuing to be a disappointment to your parents, you’ll need to act quickly or the damage could be irreversible…

Step One: Stop trying to contact the outside world. Honestly, whats out there that you can’t get from 70 different streaming services, gaming consoles, news outlets and even porn? Plus man, they made pretty much everything deliverable. Commitment is key.

Step Two: Stop speaking. If you aren’t seeing anyone, you don’t generally need to speak aloud, do you? Step Two.oh: develop a series of click like echo location noises to help navigating around the homestead. While you’re not necessarily blind, those super rad florescent lights and lack of sunlight are top tier catalysts for taking that major leap.

Step Three: Wardrobe change! You’re going to need those hater blockers. Yeah, you heard me right. Even though you’re well on your way to becoming the ideal recluse, you should always have a pair of hater blockers on hand. Never know when you might have to improvise not seeing someone.

Step Four: Leave a Cryptic Message. You don’t want to lose those amazingly important humans that somehow don’t seem to measure up enough for you to see, SO you should get a little creative. Send messages like, ‘Ive joined a cult,’ or ‘you’ll never see lammoo again.’ This allows you a tiny out reach while maintaining your distance. #boundaries

Wellp, that’s that! This should be without a doubt an easy way to finally fix your peat problem. 👀❤️

Stay safe Pack0fl0new0lves, keep yourself locked up tight. Remember, if you can’t hide yourself, how in the hell you guna hide some body else? Lemme get some shovels up in here.

Stay spooky!👻🥰


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Advertisements

Faulty Advice Friday | TuhTewzz

Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday!

The place to F I N A L L Y get your toughest questions answered.


Lydia,

I’ve always wanted to get a tattoo, but I’m not thrilled by pain. Or blood. How do I make sure I follow thru?

TuhTewzz

TuhTewzz, your name immediately causes me to wonder what knowledge you possess of The Equestranauts… but we’ll let it slide…. For now…. 👀🤔

You’re not good with pain or blood? I assume that means only your blood… If that’s the case, it would make sense to see if you and your artist could complete some sort of blood sacrifice (pro tip: in a pinch, just grab some random off the street. Usually an offer of puppies and candy helps!) before starting. Sanitation issues might be cause for pause here bud, but at least if it was just your blood that you had trouble with, well, it would be hard to know what’s what after all that, eh? Modern Solutions. This feels sort of like I just told you to Pimp Your FearTMSide thought: wouldn’t that be a pretty sick idea to revamp another throw back, can someone call Xzibit? MTV? *Insert me laughing at my screen thinking about him saying ‘Yo dawg, we heard you hate blood, so we put blood in your blood!’* (Please don’t sue me.)

Advertisements

Pain isn’tas complicated to get through though. There’s a surprising variety of concoctions available to keep those intensity levels at bay, although they typically come along with years of substance abuse trouble and sometimes a new twitchy movement you don’t know you’re doing… I guess, you also want to make sure you’re prepared for that. Of course, you can always decide to take a look at a body chart for the least painful places and just have some advil on hand eh? It’s using teeny tiny baby shark teeth to color in your body, not a firing squad. Suck it up buttercup.

If you still find yourself desperate for a tattoo but couldn’t possibly see success in conquering the above mentioned problemos, there’s always your local street fair and/or jail.

Hang on, hang on. Just hear me out wouldja? Start out by planning what crime you’ll commit. You’re just trying to get picked up, locked up, and inked up—that means, no 25 to life kinda bids. How’s about you just, I don’t know, take a few hostages at a bank or something low key like that? Seems like a solid way to land yourself in the slammer. (See previous FAF on how to do that amazingly, here)

Once you’ve done whatever deed you choose, you should have landed a snazzy pair of metal bracelets. If not, repeat until you’ve made it so.

Commissary is a wonderful thing in the joint. Hoard some chili, shebangs, and a whole buncha tuna so you can get ready to trade. I mean shiiiiiiit, maybe you’ll actually get lucky and have some kinda psycho Picasso to share a cell with.

I absolutely understand that jail’s not always for everyone, so don’t worry. Not everyone can be the mitochondria. Most people can almost always commit when they’ve decided the street fair is where their people are. There will be a line of children waiting to befuddle a very exhausted and over worked adult. Once youve waited your turn and you’re sitting in the chair, you’re going to need to brace yourself… You see, those stick on/water/temporary ones don’t hurt but sometimes the waters like suuuuper cold. Brrrr! 🥶

No matter what you decide, make sure you pick something you like. Doesn’t matter what Bubba in Unit N6 thinks!😘

Stay safe TuhTewzz, and maybe this weekend should be one for discoveries! I vote for blood sacrifice Sundays! Wait… Is it too late for me to keep that? 😅🤣

All the luck in the world, and please send pics if you do get one ❤️😀

Stay spooky!😍


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

RELEASE: The One That Got Away: Women of Horror Anthology Volume 3

I’m super pleased to announce that my story, “The Letter,” is included in this tremendously horrific anthology!

tocfront

THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY
WOMEN OF HORROR ANTHOLOGY
VOLUME THREE
KANDISHA PRESS

What doesn’t kill me, might make me kill you!

30 women authors from around the world were challenged to write about The One That Got Away. Here you’ll find tales of unrequited love, blind dates gone wrong, stalkers and their prey, cursed guitars, alien symbiotes, sinister letters, and bitter acts of revenge. Dive into murky depths and discover what hides inside the minds of women scorned..

Book 3 in the Kandisha Press Women of Horror Anthology Series

#FRIGHTGIRLWINTER recommended reading!

With Foreword by Gwendolyn Kiste (Bram Stoker Award Winning Author of The Rust Maidens)

Edited by Jill Girardi

Featuring stories from: Carmen Baca, Ushasi Sen Basu, Demi-Louise Blackburn, Ashley Burns, R.A. Busby, Amira Krista Calvo, Dawn DeBraal, Shawnna Deresch, Ellie Douglas, Amy Grech, KC Grifant, Meg Hafdahl, Rowan Hill, Stevie Kopas, Michelle Renee Lane, Catherine McCarthy, Villimey Mist, Mocha Pennington, Faith Pierce, Janine Pipe, Lydia Prime, Paula R.C. Readman, Marsheila Rockwell, Lucy Rose, Rebecca Rowland, Hadassah Shiradski, Yolanda Sfetsos, Barrington Smith-Seetachitt, J Snow and Sonora Taylor.

Click the image above to be directed to Amazon or check out the link below to get yours from your favorite book retailer:

Books2Read: The One That Got Away

Faulty Advice Friday | SlAy_Belle

Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday! This is the place to get your toughest questions answered.


Lydia,

My kids always freak out around Christmas. The closer it gets, the more ramped up they get. My parents used to tell my Santa wasn’t coming, but that doesn’t seem to be working. How can I get them to knock it off?

SlAy_Belle

Welcome, SlAy_Belle, sorry to hear you’re dealing with some incredibly hyped up yule-lads. But tis the season, eh?🎄👻

I know you’ve mentioned you’ve offered vague, and most likely empty, threats of Santa not heading down your chimney. I’m sure you’ve told them that before, and without fail, you caved and Santa was allowed to distribute his gifts to all—stop me if I’m wrong. (I’m not, cuz I never am, ofc.🤣)

Sometimes, you’ve got to fight fire with fire. By this, I mean learn everything you can about the creatures who still roam through the minds of Europeans, using their collective creep factors to keep the yule-tide gay. Although, we like to believe living on a merit system—do good get rewards, blah blah blah—rarely does that end up working without providing the consequences.

There’s actually a being sometimes jokingly referred to as the Anti-Claus; although, he’s a bit of his own sorta monstrosity. This demon creeps through towns and sneaking into the homes of particularly awfully behaved chit-linz, and poppin’ em in the basket/cage on his back (perhaps as a snack for later). He delights in the whole flogging with a birch stick and has been known to leave coal in some situations. This intense monstrosity is none other than, Krampus. Guaranteed to scare your munchkins straight!

I can understand not being sure if you want to go to such lengths though. Sometimes scaring little ones can lead to late nights consoling their nightmares. Now, before you decide to investigate the Christmassy things that go bump in the night, make sure you’re prepared for whatever happens next. (Bed sharing, crying, etc.)

If you feel your tots are a bit too tater to hear about the horned beast who would happily accept them as their dinner, you can always take something of a more, guantanamo, approach.

All the infighting will give you a migraine, but you want to get into the Christmas spirit. Tie the kids to one another like they’re spies in your favorite series, but don’t just use any old rope-like thing you have laying about the house—use, the string lights. 😈

Once the Santa’s-elf-wannabe’s are secure, pop on your Santa hat and press play on that Christmas classic, All I Want for Christmas is You, by Mariah Carey. As those first couple notes begin to ring out, you’ll notice the eyes widening and the squirming begin to slow. Since they are in fact, children, it may take a few seconds longer for them to register exactly what level of Hell they’ve landed in. Be sure to proudly proclaim that this is what happens when they act up. Sing and dance around them while tossing strings of sparkly tinsel over them.

The beauty of this is that you’ll get your frustration out, have your own thing party, and for the first time in weeks, your kids will be silent. (O holy night!)

If they don’t learn their lesson from this, nothing short of throwing the whole kid away and starting again will work.

Either way, stay safe SlAy_Belle, and happy holidays! 😍


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

November 2020 Ladies of Horror Picture Prompt Challenge: Freddie Promised | @LydiaPrime

The Ladies of Horror
Picture-Prompt Writing Challenge!

IMG_20201130_070407_140

Freddie Promised
by Lydia Prime

Freddie always promised that he’d be home in time for supper. He crossed his heart and hoped to die as his mommy waved him off. He’d hop on his bike and head for the hills, knowing he’d need to return when the lights came on.
Freddie made his same promise every afternoon, and always made it home as the food was being served. His mommy would smile her odd crooked smile. Freddie said grace, and held his mommy’s hand for just a few moments longer each day.
The following day, the pair continued their routine, crossed hearts and sad waves. Freddie’s mommy made a special meal, peppering the pie with a hearty helping of arsenic. A double scoop, she thought, adding some to her own plate, just to get the job done.
The front door flew open. A blurry version of Freddie ran in, excited to say grace and see his mommy. He washed up and sat at the table, the biggest grin plastered on his face. Hungrier than usual, he sneaked a bit of bread. When his mommy sat down, he presented her with a simple bouquet of wildflowers. She teared up and tried to snatch his plate away, not realizing that it was too late.
Freddie’s mother watched her son while his mouth foamed and he painfully faded away. Panic, regret, guilt—fear overtook her. She screamed at Freddie, begging him to wake.
“Mommy?” Freddie’s voice called from the porch, his ghostly figure peering in through the window. Surprised, his mommy ran to the window, wailing and apologizing. .
Time flew by, and although she aged, Freddie didn’t. He’d become a permanent fixture in her cowardly world. Eventually, her heart grew cold, and she began to resent his memory. But, some promises are bigger, more important than one could ever fathom. Freddie kept his promise, and he always came home for supper.
Fiction © Copyright Lydia Prime
Image courtesy of Pixabay.com

line_separator2

More from author Lydia Prime:

GSanthoebook

Graveyard Smash:
Women of Horror Anthology Vol. 2

Step through the prettiest cemetery gates you’ve ever seen and experience tombstone raves and widow’s dances, Japanese snow-spirits, Aztec bruja and temple goddesses, vengeful ghosts, djinn and cannibals, vampire hunters, plague bearers, graverobbers, and terrors beyond reason. Read through the night as the dead rise from boneyards all around the world!

#FRIGHTGIRLSUMMER recommended reading!

Featuring chilling tales from:
Christy Aldridge
Carmen BacaDemi-Louise Blackburn
R.A. Busby
V. Castro
Dawn DeBraal
Ellie Douglas
Tracy Fahey
Dona Fox
Cassidy Frost
Michelle Renee Lane
Beverley Lee
J.A.W. McCarthy
Catherine McCarthy
Susan McCauley
Ksenia Murray
Ally Peirse
Janine Pipe
Lydia Prime
Paula R.C. Readman
Yolanda Sfetsos
Sonora Taylor

Edited by Jill Girardi
With foreword by Doc Holocausto (Evilspeak Magazine, Harvest Ritual, Creepy Crawls)

Available on Amazon!

line_separator2

Faulty Advice Friday | Aunty_Social_x3

Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday! This is the place to get your toughest questions answered.


Lydia,

This year has suckd. Now I have to go to some family dinners. How can I distract my relatives from asking me personal stuff?

Aunty_Social_x3

Salutations, Aunty_Social_x3! I couldn’t agree with you more—this year has had a picnic full of ants being chased by anteaters being chased by rabid wolverine-alligator hybrids. When most people meditate, I imagine they look for a calming peace, I personally try to channel my spirit animal: the home badger.

I don’t know if you’re aware, but honey badgers don’t give a shit. As… You might be able to see from the above gif. Anywho, onto your family’s shin-diggity-do!

I do know the pain of enduring a family function you just can’t seem to get behind. Whether it’s because of the toxic grandfather flatulent smoke screen, or a generalized sense of not belonging—have no fear.

There are only 3 legitimately proven ways to prevent your family members from over stepping their bounds. The first of which involves a blowtorch. Now, I am clearly, obviously, very qualified to explain how you need to set up a spectacular pyro technics show to impress and keep everyone talking for ages to come. So, with that in mind, make sure you place the fireworks in a pattern that will send them all flying directly toward the house. If there’s an open window that you think you can score one flying through… Don’t you dare hold back now. Make sure you get into the living room and tuck them into the curtains. Since you’re putting on a show, why not make sure you set some up behind the television? No one will see that coming!

Once you have all of your fireworks/sparklers—and matches if your trying for the desperado effect—grab onto that blowtorch. Light ’em all up in the most reckless way possible. No one else is going to pull out all the stops to create an amazing atmosphere, you’re doing them a favor. While the whistling, whizzing, shimmering wonders are exploding all around, get your phone out and start recording. You’ll never want to forget the looks on their faces. 😲😈😉 As everyone is rushing out to get a handle on what is actually going on, you can slip away undetected. Trust me when I say, you’ll never have to worry about the uncomfortable comments again.

Option numero dos: The Shadow Game. Select one person in the room to emulate at all times. It doesn’t matter who it is, but the less similarities the two of you share, the more entertainment you’ll have! You’ll want to mimic every move they make, from a light cough, to shifting in their seat, to of course, what they say. When you’re up to repeating what they say, you have to be certain not to use any words that person has not yet used. For example: I’m emulating my Uncle Rob, Rob has only said “Heyya, Happy Happy! Now, where’s that damn freezer box? Did you see the game? John Travolta has a strange chin.” If anyone speaks to me, or I want to say something, I can only use those words/phrases/combinations. In my case, they’d be about to find out I’ve finally come to the conclusion that yes, I am in fact, “Happy John Travolta, the strange box chin.”

This should keep you entertained for as long as you choose to go on. No one will figure you out, and by the end of the night you’ll either become some sort of king, or have completely alienated yourself. I believe in you, Aunty_Social_x3.

It’s okay if you don’t believe in yourself, that’s what our third and final option will accomplish. Seems to me that you’re mighty miserable and often hide away—keeping to yourself and acting stand offish. No matter how badly you want to let go and be part of the fun, you simply can’t get in the swing. Fair enough. The five minute rule is the one you need. Arrive fashionably late, allow each family member 5 minutes with you. Sometimes you can get lucky and walk into a packed room. Hang out for five minutes, fake your smiles, switch rooms, 5 minutes, excuse yourself, one more room. Have they all seen you? If yes, remember the bottle of wine/soda/bushel of kale/midget in clown makeup/whatever in your car (whether you drove or not). Let them know you’ll be back soon and head out. No need to return, they won’t notice since you said hello to everyone already. If your answer was no, and there are more rooms to slip into, make sure you do that. When completed, get a fake call in from work. No one will question the call, “We’ve all been there!” In order to really sell it, apologize profusely for the abruptness before you d I s a p p e a r .

No matter which you choose, stay safe, and happy Friday, Aunty_Social_x3! 😍


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.