Faulty Advice Friday | Aunty_Social_x3

Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday! This is the place to get your toughest questions answered.


Lydia,

This year has suckd. Now I have to go to some family dinners. How can I distract my relatives from asking me personal stuff?

Aunty_Social_x3

Salutations, Aunty_Social_x3! I couldn’t agree with you more—this year has had a picnic full of ants being chased by anteaters being chased by rabid wolverine-alligator hybrids. When most people meditate, I imagine they look for a calming peace, I personally try to channel my spirit animal: the home badger.

I don’t know if you’re aware, but honey badgers don’t give a shit. As… You might be able to see from the above gif. Anywho, onto your family’s shin-diggity-do!

I do know the pain of enduring a family function you just can’t seem to get behind. Whether it’s because of the toxic grandfather flatulent smoke screen, or a generalized sense of not belonging—have no fear.

There are only 3 legitimately proven ways to prevent your family members from over stepping their bounds. The first of which involves a blowtorch. Now, I am clearly, obviously, very qualified to explain how you need to set up a spectacular pyro technics show to impress and keep everyone talking for ages to come. So, with that in mind, make sure you place the fireworks in a pattern that will send them all flying directly toward the house. If there’s an open window that you think you can score one flying through… Don’t you dare hold back now. Make sure you get into the living room and tuck them into the curtains. Since you’re putting on a show, why not make sure you set some up behind the television? No one will see that coming!

Once you have all of your fireworks/sparklers—and matches if your trying for the desperado effect—grab onto that blowtorch. Light ’em all up in the most reckless way possible. No one else is going to pull out all the stops to create an amazing atmosphere, you’re doing them a favor. While the whistling, whizzing, shimmering wonders are exploding all around, get your phone out and start recording. You’ll never want to forget the looks on their faces. 😲😈😉 As everyone is rushing out to get a handle on what is actually going on, you can slip away undetected. Trust me when I say, you’ll never have to worry about the uncomfortable comments again.

Option numero dos: The Shadow Game. Select one person in the room to emulate at all times. It doesn’t matter who it is, but the less similarities the two of you share, the more entertainment you’ll have! You’ll want to mimic every move they make, from a light cough, to shifting in their seat, to of course, what they say. When you’re up to repeating what they say, you have to be certain not to use any words that person has not yet used. For example: I’m emulating my Uncle Rob, Rob has only said “Heyya, Happy Happy! Now, where’s that damn freezer box? Did you see the game? John Travolta has a strange chin.” If anyone speaks to me, or I want to say something, I can only use those words/phrases/combinations. In my case, they’d be about to find out I’ve finally come to the conclusion that yes, I am in fact, “Happy John Travolta, the strange box chin.”

This should keep you entertained for as long as you choose to go on. No one will figure you out, and by the end of the night you’ll either become some sort of king, or have completely alienated yourself. I believe in you, Aunty_Social_x3.

It’s okay if you don’t believe in yourself, that’s what our third and final option will accomplish. Seems to me that you’re mighty miserable and often hide away—keeping to yourself and acting stand offish. No matter how badly you want to let go and be part of the fun, you simply can’t get in the swing. Fair enough. The five minute rule is the one you need. Arrive fashionably late, allow each family member 5 minutes with you. Sometimes you can get lucky and walk into a packed room. Hang out for five minutes, fake your smiles, switch rooms, 5 minutes, excuse yourself, one more room. Have they all seen you? If yes, remember the bottle of wine/soda/bushel of kale/midget in clown makeup/whatever in your car (whether you drove or not). Let them know you’ll be back soon and head out. No need to return, they won’t notice since you said hello to everyone already. If your answer was no, and there are more rooms to slip into, make sure you do that. When completed, get a fake call in from work. No one will question the call, “We’ve all been there!” In order to really sell it, apologize profusely for the abruptness before you d I s a p p e a r .

No matter which you choose, stay safe, and happy Friday, Aunty_Social_x3! 😍


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Faulty Advice Friday | B0RNiNTHEWR0NGjEN

Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday! This is the place to get your toughest questions answered.


Lydia,

I’m having an existential crisis since I hit 20. I need to know, why does anything exist?

B0RNiNTHEWR0NGjEN

Ahhhh, Friday the 13th! Hope you have all of the black cats, open ladders, and at least one cracked mirror as you travel through today, B0RNiNTHEWR0NGjEN!

I’m not sure if I should be offended or just glaze by the fact that you turned T-W-E-N-T-Y and are questioning existence… wait till you find out that I’m older than Google.

Why does anything exist? I honestly would love to know that answer myself – but since you asked I’ll give it my best shot. Strap into your booster seat and get ready for some truth!

Trying to ask the big questions, those ones that buzz around in your brain and keep you up through the wee hours of the morning – that’s some real grown up shit, and I’m proud of ya, B0RN. Being a grown up also means accepting the hard to swallow pills (that as a child were fed to you in a particularly yummy liquid bubblegum flavor). Most of those pills work somewhat like getting through the Matrix or following the Yellow Brick Road all the way to Emerald City – you shouldn’t look too hard. Spending hours trying to figure out what the man behind the curtain was doing all along, well, as grown ups, the magic fades and there’s a lingering sense of disappointment. Save yourself the trouble, don’t peek behind the curtain…Or… do… but it might just be the last thing you ever see.

If you try to think of it more like a dream, not my dreams though, because those are really weird. Especially the ones with the poodles *shudders*. You’ll find out that everything you do makes no difference, you have no free will – and if you choose to do the less fun, more tame option with your path – there’s another version of you out there who’s living it up and having the best time of your lives. Oh, did I forget to mention the never ending combinations of alternate realities? Yes, yes, while you, here in this one, age and get wrinkles, and wither and die – there’s another more attractive and young version of you currently taking a shot out of the navel of a dwarf. (Man, I wish I knew that version… err… uhm… carry on.)

I find most things that tangibly exist, do so simply to annoy something else.
Seriously though, if you think I’m wrong, try to look at it like this:

  • Trees ⭢ Lumber Jacks
  • Life ⭢ Emo Kids
  • Older Siblings ⭢ Younger Siblings
  • Sleep ⭢ Alarm Clocks
  • Paycheck ⭢ Bills

I could go on for a while, but I think you get my point. You, me, and every other thing on this Earth is here just to cause agitation to external forces around us. We’re probably just a really strange DLC that was created for that game, The Sims. Honestly, in what rational, logical world is there: a cartoon that’s better at fortune telling than Miss Cleo, a Tiger King who has several methed out husbands that just hang around for the tigers and crazy, Carol Fuckin Baskins on dancing with the stars after butchering Don Lew- err, I mean, 50 Cent’s smash hit, In da Club; Murder Hornets(?!?!?), and *cringe* worst of all, people who don’t like pumpkin spice?

I think I just blew my own mind with that last one…

Why do things exist? Probably because somewhere, someone’s mom said so, and that was that.

Why do you exist specifically? Could be a number of things. Maybe you’ll cure cancer, or end racism. Perhaps you’ll get Alf off his diet of kittens after all these years. Maybe, just maybe, because your parents had sex and the condom broke. No matter the reason, I strongly recommend you stop trying to figure it out. It’s just going to give us both a migraine.

By the by, while we’re going over some of the super serious stuff, let me be the first to tell you: when you turn 21, you stop existing if your eyes are closed. So never, ever ever, never, blink ever again – or P-O-O-F!

🐈︎ Happy Friday the 13th 🐈︎, B0RNiNTHEWR0NGjEN😍!


OH! and PS, stay away from lakes, camps, hockey, machetes, crazy mothers, and deceased children. (I’m sure you won’t get this right away, but better safe than sorry, eh?)


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Book Spotlight | Lost Souls: FOUND! Inspiring Stories about Dogs V3

Just over a week ago, I’d joined my fiance, his brother and a few friends for some drinks at a local bar. While there, we couldn’t help but notice when a man walked up with his incredibly adorable pup.

PXL_20201031_010006522.PORTRAIT-01.COVER.jpg

Rick Young poses with his pupper, Noelle, while we speak about rescues and writing.

He was seated at a table near us and our tables quickly made jokes back and forth about the music. I’m not entirely sure how much time had passed, but being on the chillier side, we decided we needed to try getting a spot indoors. While we awaited the OK to snag a table upstairs, I excused myself from the tented dining area to smoke a cigarette in the shadows (like the creepy night creature I am). I saw my group of people trickle out of the tent and up the steps to the warmer tables.
My fiance was more than happy to wait while I got my nicotine fix so that he could pet the doggie. Turns out our new friend not only shared a love of fuzzy goofballs, but he was also a writer!

Rick Young was happy to tell us about the piece he’d written for a book about rescue animals, and his journey with Noelle, his lovely companion. Find out their story and many others in the book below:

LScreenshot_20201109-043559.pngost Souls: Found!
Inspiring Stories about Dogs Volume 3

Like Volumes I and II, Lost Souls: FOUND! Inspiring Stories About Dogs, Vol. III is full of fantastic, heartwarming stories about dogs who have been rescued and adopted. While a wide variety of stories are included, this book has a special focus on older dogs, herding-type dogs, and northern-type dogs.

Available on Amazon!

Faulty Advice Friday | lookingforvampires

Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday! This is the place to get your toughest questions answered.


Lydia,

There’s a lot of things I want to do… too many plans to fit in just one lifetime. Do you have any advice to make more of every day?

lookingforvampires

Howdy LookingForVampires!

It always feels like time is running out, that 24 hours are simply not enough for us to get anything accomplished. The best way I’ve found to get more for my money (so to speak), is to ruin somebody’s day.

As we all know, life is a race of sorts. You’re only as good as the last Johnson you surpassed. When you do something like, pushing a baby pram into the street, or pouring old hot dog water out of your 4th story window and onto an unsuspecting passerby—you effectively rig the game in your favor. That unfortunate person will have to go to the hospital (like a punk) or chase a runaway stroller into heavy traffic. Now their day is shot, and you get to feel like you’ve accomplished more than they ever will today!

Some people, however, find they don’t quite have the stomach for such a hands on approach. Try hitting up the nearest cryogenic lab! You can definitely freeze yourself until science catches up and finds a way to replace your guts. (Or you know, we get some sort of ability to double the time in a day.) Now, LookingForVampires, I know what you’re thinking. “Lydia, how could I afford such a complex and extravagant process?” Well now, we actually have two options. One, wait until they close down for the day, hide in a lobby plant if you must, then sneak in and climb into one of the currently inhabited cubicles. Don’t worry, your new roommate won’t even know you’re there. If you’d prefer something more solitary, head out and grab yourself a big ol’ meat locker. Hook it up and get that temp to a nice freezing level. Hop in, and wait it all out!

I, personally, don’t believe I’d have the patience for being frozen. I’m very much an instant gratification sort of gal. If you’re like me, you’ll want a more expedient option. Start at least 75 projects within 3 days. You have no obligation to complete any of them, just starting them should be able to provide that needed fix of getting the most of your time. As deadlines arrive, spend about 15 minutes completing something in a half-assed manner. BAM! Two months later and you’re an astronaut trainee who also puts out fires, dances the merengue, has pickle shots, and knows the basics of how to change a horse shoe. Those titles alone sound preeeettttyy snazzy.

Of course, we are in the midst of 2020, however close to the end we may be. I think embracing depression might be a plausible solution. Instead of actually doing the things, take a whole lot of naps. Dream that you’ve done the things—who’s going to say you haven’t? How do you know dream you isn’t the real you, and because that you is just so busy, all they can do is dream about what their humdrum life could be—if they weren’t out being amazing?

No matter how you choose to broaden your day, you should try to remember that there are groups that can help you extend your lifetime. Hit up that awesome bro of bro’s, Xenu and see what they have to say. Perhaps, if you’re so lucky, you can get some readings, and even a billion year contract. At least then you’ll know you’ll be back to get on with certain activities and goals you missed the first time.

One last thought before I let you go. Maybe head over to Alaska. I believe they have an extended period of night that spans quite a while. I noticed that you’re “Looking for Vampires,” what better place to seek out the eternally undead than a night filled land? Becoming one with the legion of blood suckers might just be the most ideal option for you!

Stay curious, LookingForVampires, and please, if you choose the first option, remember to keep a diary of all your deeds. Looking over them will help you see how much you really want did do, and you know, help the cops with their investigation should you cause too much of a problem.

Happy Friday, LookingForVampires😍!


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.