Welcome back to Faulty Advice Friday!

The place to F I N A L L Y get your toughest questions a n s w e r e d.

Lydia,

I’ve lived most of my life believing I was better than the other people around me. How can I make everyone else see it too? Help!!!
srs answrs only pls – new yr new me vibes

Dr_shawtzfiyud

Dr_shawtzfiyud, I have to say thank you, I’m not sure why this is even a question, but honestly I love it. I need to ask though, are you a real doctor? Quid pro quo Clarice, quid pro quo. *tongue flicky noise* —

It’s perfectly natural not to be, most people aren’t. I, myself, am in fact not a doctor, I just play one on the internet. (*Bullshit. Don’t sue me.) Anyways, let’s keep the momentum going:

When you’re in such a deep state of denial the best thing you can do is stay there. Admitting defeat never got anyone anywhere good let alone where they deserved to be. I mean, take a look at the members of Scientology – they’re SPECTACULAR professionals in the art! With all those celebrities and not a hint of scandal in sight, who wouldn’t want to be Xenu’s next top Thetan? But I digress…

Once you’ve committed fully to your denial, you’ll feel a weight lifting from the most underappreciated pieces of your soul. Why? Because you’re no longer allowing any of those nagging voices of truth in. Your belief must be unyielding, if you believe in you – they will. Clap if you believe! To go about forcing everyone else into submission – er, into shared delusions – uh, I mean, well, enabling this behavior. (what?) We have a couple of fool proof tactics to bring your narcissism to that extra level you’ll need in 2023.

Telling everyone how horribly they’re doing at life while boasting minor successes of your own will make you the envy around the water cooler. If you have subordinates, and you aren’t spending Friday morning meetings trying to see who you can make cry first – you’re doing it wrong.

*Pro Tip: One of the most under valued things about living in a constant state of denial is spreading it through out all facets of your life. After expelling the pent up energy from being misunderstood for so long, you’ll have certainly worked up an appetite fit for a feast. Case in point, that order of two chocolate shakes and an extra side of lard on your onion rings will 100% not go directly to your ass. Scouts honor. Bonapptheteeth doc.

You were born a freakin’ star, why shouldn’t you be the apple of everyone’s eye? With a full heart, I do sincerely believe that implementing (at a minimum) 6-8 more complaints in your day*, and 3-4 redirected conversations to yourself before lunch will help pick up the pace.

_{*The complaints don’t need to be huge, just a bored exasperated sigh when others are working diligently nearby, or that the coffee shop spelled your name wrong and it ruined your morning snap.}

You can do it, if you believe in yourself, you owe it to everyone else. They are ALL suffering silently right now.

Mercy doc, mercy. 🫣

Good luck, and never forget you are the main character in your own life – make sure everyone knows they’re just sidekicks.

Stay spooky!👻🥰

Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.

Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.

© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Welcome back to Faulty Advice Friday!

The place to F I N A L L Y get your toughest questions a n s w e r e d.

Lydia,

Do children make good packing material? Just asking because I’m shipping some glassware.

JR

Let’s kick this faulty advice Friday right in the teeth: what’s cold and blue and doesn’t move? (Shh shh. Let them guess!) Alright, ready? The baby in my freezer!

JR, I can’t possibly fathom why you’d want to use children to make your packing materials. (Kathy Lee Gifford would probably approve of your style though)

Seems like a fruitless effort in my opinion; most of ’em would probably just squish a bunch of play dough and do a wee bit of paper machè. Neither of which am I inclined to believe would protect your precious glassware. But, if you’ve got some hangin’ around, might as well take a moment to mention a new eco-friendly form of packaging for the masses.

Infant stuffed crates, toddler lined totes, teenage coach ba—… I mean, I could go on. But what’s the number one foolproof way to ship such delicate and fra-gee-lay items?

It helps to pick an outfit. The reason entrepreneur types are better than everyone else is clearly because of their signature looks. Might I suggest grabbing some inspiration from what Christian Bale rocked while discussing Huey Lewis and the News with dear Paul Allen. Pro tip: this will save on clean-up later!

Depending on what sort of glassware you’re shipping determines how one might want to utilize the children. There’s no such thing as ‘Wasteful Wendy’s here.

Use intestines for wrapping vases, or to mimic the protection of bubble wrap. If you remember those weird little tube toy things that made everyone mildly uncomfy in the 90s, handling intestines (large or small) is a lot like that. Be careful with those slippery bastards!

Fingers, toes, and finely chopped limbs can be used in place of packing peanuts in a pinch!

The proper procedure for this does become a bit lengthy, but you end up with a two for one. Who wouldn’t be into that? You’ll want to dry the bits and bobs, and it will be a lengthy process. Begin checking the “Cherky” after about 3 hours to avoid over-drying. An extra reason to apply this method? If you have a furry friend that likes to eat all things they shouldn’t – feasting on child jerky is totally cool, and occasionally kosher.

Of course, you can always flay them and simply wrap your glasses in freshly peeled skin wraps. If they’re particularly fresh, as in just off the rack [*ba dum tiss… don’t @me*] the sinewy tissues still coated with a tasteful splash of blood can help to get in there and stick the packing material to your glassware for that super extra security.

So, do children make good packing materials? Yeah, I’d say so. From their flesh to their bones, and even some of their teeth – you can definitely count on them to get your items…. well… at least to the post office. I’m not sure how much further they’ll get from there, probably find yourself a new fancy pair of chain-linked steel bracelets though. Free jewelry, am I right?

Happy hunting JR! I hope your glassware is safe on all its travels.

Stay spooky!👻🥰

Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.

Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.

© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Welcome back to Faulty Advice Friday!

The place to F I N A L L Y get your toughest questions a n s w e r e d.

Lydia,

I’m having trouble sleeping through the night without waking up a hundred times, any suggestions?

BkDeCay666

Greetings from the land of the well rested, BkDeCay666! Must suck to be stuck in the waking world so often… I joke, I joke, I kid, I kid. I’ve never been among the fortunate sleepers out there, but let’s get started. Maybe you’ll even be able to make it through the night.

That waking restlessness you’ve got going on is definitely from ghosts. If you can’t sleep, there’s about a 99.9999999999% chance there’s summin’ dead staring at your face. Now, I’m not one to judge, but if you’ve got some kinda freaky deaky goin’ on with this paranormal paramour, you can always hang out with Ke$ha, Demi Moore, and Snedeker dude. #YouAreNotAlone Not feelin’ that GhostBuster’s mojo? Call in the very best in Ghost Bully Specialists and they’ll probably yell a buncha weird shit and try to fight the ghost for you. -Shrug- if you can’t sleep, might as well have some fun, huh?

If it’s not ghosts (it definitely is, but just in case) you could always try that modern medical marvel, the sleeping pill. All experiences may vary but, I believe this might just be a job for the likes of the Ambien Walrus*.

Promising to help you sleep, you won’t be waking up a million times a night anymore. You’ll have one of two things happen, a super restful sleep that sometimes makes you feel a bit groggy, or an adventure you’ll never remember.

Creatures like the aforementioned walrus are customary in the land of no return. I recall a friend of mine once demanding that her husband explain himself. We both looked at her confused, but she was solidly certain that he’d come home with three green people and wanted to know why these green people were in her home. Additionally, I once caught her playing with an empty trash bag on her bed… she said she was playing with the dog. But I digress, you’ll have your own sort of guide to get you through. Also, oodles of inanimate objects will begin to dance and breathe, don’t panic. Just start taking videos and sending them to all your friends so they can see how beautiful and horrifying the dancing snow is. They’ll love it. Trust me.

Not diggin’ adding a medication to your routine but still want to sleep? No biggie, I understand, some people aren’t for that kind of wild ride. You’ll have to preform a sacred ritual in order to confront the Sandman. Grab traditional sleeping robes: a ripped up band-T and some plaid pajama pants. If you don’t have the traditional garb, you’ll have to make due with whatever is available (may the Sandman have mercy on your soul). Lay in your bed, as still as possible, breathing as shallow as you can. Chant ‘Hooma, Booma, Chrimba, Zoomba!!” over and over until the Sandman arrives. If the sun comes up before he shows, you don’t have one, and will sadly have no choice but to crack yourself on the head each night with an item of your choosing. Sorry, but it’s the only way to guarantee not waking, sucks to suck, yano? BUTTTTTTT, if he does come through, ask him politely to add a few more drizzlings of sand to your batch. He should be cool about it, or maybe chop off your head. Who knows? If you find out, definitely let me know.

Waking a gazillion times can drive you crazy. No, really, I’m not kidding. So if you’re going to do something, why not do it right? Give up on trying to sleep, if you don’t sleep – you can’t wake up over and over right? Right.

God speed BkDeCay666, may the Sandmen and sleep aids forever guide you to your dream world.

Stay spooky!👻🥰

_{*Experiences may vary, Ambien Walrus is not a guaranteed new friend, but often lurks about.}

Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.

Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.

© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Welcome back to Faulty Advice Friday!

The place to F I N A L L Y get your toughest questions a n s w e r e d.

Lydia,

What 4 actions would you say are the keys to success?

NormalBatesBnB

NormalBatesBnB, hey, hi, thank you for coming. I’m not sure if I should put the lotion in the basket or consider bathing by bubble bath from now on… Either way… Do… Uh.. do you have long pig at your B&B? Kinda dying to know tbh. (Why am I stuck on cannibalism two posts in a row? Someone needs to check on us I guess haha.) Anywho…

I would like to start by mentioning that associating one’s self with a rather prolific horror icon miiiiiiiiight or might not be the way to do anything successful. Truthfully, it could go either way. I used to have a friend who made chain store club cards to put in for those who’d forget theirs in the names of different serial killers. She got caught by a customer once and needless to say, it was incredibly hilarious to watch her stumble through explaining who this ‘Albert Fish’ was and why he bought their {[REDACTED_ITEM_BRAND]}. So, do with that what you will.

First and foremost, in order to become one of the successful beautiful people (achieving this level unlocks warranties for plastic cheeks: tops and bottoms) you’re going to have to SEND ANONYMOUS PACKAGES. Secretly enlist a friend to unsuspectingly obtain the address of your target. Search the intrawebz for anonymous packages to suit your specific needs.
Speaking from experience, sometimes sending something out of the ordinary is better than something gross. (I.E. Anonymously mailing your colleague a package instructing them to eat a bag of dicks, with dick glitter/confetti, magnets, and gummies inside. Signing a client’s name as the sender…*chef’s kiss*.. or… you know. mailing your boss a mini piñata with a note exclaiming “Merry Christmas!” in an alternate language, just in time for a completely different holiday….) Sorry, tangent. Do it.

The only logical next step from converting to snail-mailer-daemonism is to hop on board with the Illuminati. Don’t reach for the tinfoil yet, hear me out: IF you join the group that everyone knows exists, but denies existence of, who’s to say you AREN’T already in the Illuminati? Head hurt? Confused? Good, everyone else will be too. Proudly promote your status as a tippy-top officer with oodles and boodles of juicy insider knowledge. Build up intense mystery/buzz/rumors around your life, make sure you get this stuff all across the globe. Eventually, some new friends will show up and, well, they’ll have eternity to know your flesh. *shivers*

Now that you’ve rearranged the pecking order in the office and secured your place in the NWO, you’ll need to get some money to match your obviously lavish and crazy life style. Who works anymore? Pffft. Get into the Praying Mantis Breeding* game. Lucrative, unique, something to tell the family about! Added bonus, turning up your nose at those eeee-diotz who recoil in fearful disgust from seeing your diorama of Mantis Brothels.

Finally, when’s the last time you ate something? It’s important to stay fully hydrated and fueled or you won’t have any energy to go out and concur the world. Or… be spiteful and mean, dealer’s choice I suppose.

No, no, that’s it. Go getchurself a snack and some water. (: You deserve it you Mantis Breeding Free Mason who terrorizes people with strange and unexpected mail. Your success will be unmatched.

_{Parting with this final thought: keys to success are not for the faint of heart; each step must be completed in this order for best results.}

I wish you luck on your road to the top NormalBatesBnB, but, you know, please don’t creep on anyone in the shower…

Stay spooky!👻🥰

Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.

Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.

© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.