Faulty Advice Friday | JR

Advertisements

Welcome back to Faulty Advice Friday!

The place to F I N A L L Y get your toughest questions a n s w e r e d.


Lydia,

Do children make good packing material? Just asking because I’m shipping some glassware.

JR

Let’s kick this faulty advice Friday right in the teeth: what’s cold and blue and doesn’t move? (Shh shh. Let them guess!) Alright, ready? The baby in my freezer!

JR, I can’t possibly fathom why you’d want to use children to make your packing materials. (Kathy Lee Gifford would probably approve of your style though)

Seems like a fruitless effort in my opinion; most of ’em would probably just squish a bunch of play dough and do a wee bit of paper machè. Neither of which am I inclined to believe would protect your precious glassware. But, if you’ve got some hangin’ around, might as well take a moment to mention a new eco-friendly form of packaging for the masses.

Infant stuffed crates, toddler lined totes, teenage coach ba—… I mean, I could go on. But what’s the number one foolproof way to ship such delicate and fra-gee-lay items?

Advertisements

It helps to pick an outfit. The reason entrepreneur types are better than everyone else is clearly because of their signature looks. Might I suggest grabbing some inspiration from what Christian Bale rocked while discussing Huey Lewis and the News with dear Paul Allen. Pro tip: this will save on clean-up later!

Depending on what sort of glassware you’re shipping determines how one might want to utilize the children. There’s no such thing as ‘Wasteful Wendy’s here.

Use intestines for wrapping vases, or to mimic the protection of bubble wrap. If you remember those weird little tube toy things that made everyone mildly uncomfy in the 90s, handling intestines (large or small) is a lot like that. Be careful with those slippery bastards!

Fingers, toes, and finely chopped limbs can be used in place of packing peanuts in a pinch!

The proper procedure for this does become a bit lengthy, but you end up with a two for one. Who wouldn’t be into that? You’ll want to dry the bits and bobs, and it will be a lengthy process. Begin checking the “Cherky” after about 3 hours to avoid over-drying. An extra reason to apply this method? If you have a furry friend that likes to eat all things they shouldn’t – feasting on child jerky is totally cool, and occasionally kosher.

Of course, you can always flay them and simply wrap your glasses in freshly peeled skin wraps. If they’re particularly fresh, as in just off the rack [*ba dum tiss… don’t @me*] the sinewy tissues still coated with a tasteful splash of blood can help to get in there and stick the packing material to your glassware for that super extra security.

Advertisements

So, do children make good packing materials? Yeah, I’d say so. From their flesh to their bones, and even some of their teeth – you can definitely count on them to get your items…. well… at least to the post office. I’m not sure how much further they’ll get from there, probably find yourself a new fancy pair of chain-linked steel bracelets though. Free jewelry, am I right?

Happy hunting JR! I hope your glassware is safe on all its travels.

Stay spooky!👻🥰


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Advertisements

Faulty Advice Friday | BkDeCay666

Advertisements

Welcome back to Faulty Advice Friday!

The place to F I N A L L Y get your toughest questions a n s w e r e d.


Lydia,

I’m having trouble sleeping through the night without waking up a hundred times, any suggestions?

BkDeCay666

Greetings from the land of the well rested, BkDeCay666! Must suck to be stuck in the waking world so often… I joke, I joke, I kid, I kid. I’ve never been among the fortunate sleepers out there, but let’s get started. Maybe you’ll even be able to make it through the night.

That waking restlessness you’ve got going on is definitely from ghosts. If you can’t sleep, there’s about a 99.9999999999% chance there’s summin’ dead staring at your face. Now, I’m not one to judge, but if you’ve got some kinda freaky deaky goin’ on with this paranormal paramour, you can always hang out with Ke$ha, Demi Moore, and Snedeker dude. #YouAreNotAlone Not feelin’ that GhostBuster’s mojo? Call in the very best in Ghost Bully Specialists and they’ll probably yell a buncha weird shit and try to fight the ghost for you. -Shrug- if you can’t sleep, might as well have some fun, huh?

If it’s not ghosts (it definitely is, but just in case) you could always try that modern medical marvel, the sleeping pill. All experiences may vary but, I believe this might just be a job for the likes of the Ambien Walrus*.

Advertisements

Promising to help you sleep, you won’t be waking up a million times a night anymore. You’ll have one of two things happen, a super restful sleep that sometimes makes you feel a bit groggy, or an adventure you’ll never remember.

Creatures like the aforementioned walrus are customary in the land of no return. I recall a friend of mine once demanding that her husband explain himself. We both looked at her confused, but she was solidly certain that he’d come home with three green people and wanted to know why these green people were in her home. Additionally, I once caught her playing with an empty trash bag on her bed… she said she was playing with the dog. But I digress, you’ll have your own sort of guide to get you through. Also, oodles of inanimate objects will begin to dance and breathe, don’t panic. Just start taking videos and sending them to all your friends so they can see how beautiful and horrifying the dancing snow is. They’ll love it. Trust me.

Not diggin’ adding a medication to your routine but still want to sleep? No biggie, I understand, some people aren’t for that kind of wild ride. You’ll have to preform a sacred ritual in order to confront the Sandman. Grab traditional sleeping robes: a ripped up band-T and some plaid pajama pants. If you don’t have the traditional garb, you’ll have to make due with whatever is available (may the Sandman have mercy on your soul). Lay in your bed, as still as possible, breathing as shallow as you can. Chant ‘Hooma, Booma, Chrimba, Zoomba!!” over and over until the Sandman arrives. If the sun comes up before he shows, you don’t have one, and will sadly have no choice but to crack yourself on the head each night with an item of your choosing. Sorry, but it’s the only way to guarantee not waking, sucks to suck, yano? BUTTTTTTT, if he does come through, ask him politely to add a few more drizzlings of sand to your batch. He should be cool about it, or maybe chop off your head. Who knows? If you find out, definitely let me know.

Advertisements

Waking a gazillion times can drive you crazy. No, really, I’m not kidding. So if you’re going to do something, why not do it right? Give up on trying to sleep, if you don’t sleep – you can’t wake up over and over right? Right.

God speed BkDeCay666, may the Sandmen and sleep aids forever guide you to your dream world.

Stay spooky!👻🥰

*Experiences may vary, Ambien Walrus is not a guaranteed new friend, but often lurks about.


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Advertisements

Faulty Advice Friday | NormalBatesBnB

Welcome back to Faulty Advice Friday!

The place to F I N A L L Y get your toughest questions a n s w e r e d.


Lydia,

What 4 actions would you say are the keys to success?

NormalBatesBnB

NormalBatesBnB, hey, hi, thank you for coming. I’m not sure if I should put the lotion in the basket or consider bathing by bubble bath from now on… Either way… Do… Uh.. do you have long pig at your B&B? Kinda dying to know tbh. (Why am I stuck on cannibalism two posts in a row? Someone needs to check on us I guess haha.) Anywho…

I would like to start by mentioning that associating one’s self with a rather prolific horror icon miiiiiiiiight or might not be the way to do anything successful. Truthfully, it could go either way. I used to have a friend who made chain store club cards to put in for those who’d forget theirs in the names of different serial killers. She got caught by a customer once and needless to say, it was incredibly hilarious to watch her stumble through explaining who this ‘Albert Fish’ was and why he bought their {[REDACTED_ITEM_BRAND]}. So, do with that what you will.

Advertisements
Advertisements

First and foremost, in order to become one of the successful beautiful people (achieving this level unlocks warranties for plastic cheeks: tops and bottoms) you’re going to have to SEND ANONYMOUS PACKAGES. Secretly enlist a friend to unsuspectingly obtain the address of your target. Search the intrawebz for anonymous packages to suit your specific needs.
Speaking from experience, sometimes sending something out of the ordinary is better than something gross. (I.E. Anonymously mailing your colleague a package instructing them to eat a bag of dicks, with dick glitter/confetti, magnets, and gummies inside. Signing a client’s name as the sender…*chef’s kiss*.. or… you know. mailing your boss a mini piñata with a note exclaiming “Merry Christmas!” in an alternate language, just in time for a completely different holiday….) Sorry, tangent. Do it.

The only logical next step from converting to snail-mailer-daemonism is to hop on board with the Illuminati. Don’t reach for the tinfoil yet, hear me out: IF you join the group that everyone knows exists, but denies existence of, who’s to say you AREN’T already in the Illuminati? Head hurt? Confused? Good, everyone else will be too. Proudly promote your status as a tippy-top officer with oodles and boodles of juicy insider knowledge. Build up intense mystery/buzz/rumors around your life, make sure you get this stuff all across the globe. Eventually, some new friends will show up and, well, they’ll have eternity to know your flesh. *shivers*

Now that you’ve rearranged the pecking order in the office and secured your place in the NWO, you’ll need to get some money to match your obviously lavish and crazy life style. Who works anymore? Pffft. Get into the Praying Mantis Breeding* game. Lucrative, unique, something to tell the family about! Added bonus, turning up your nose at those eeee-diotz who recoil in fearful disgust from seeing your diorama of Mantis Brothels.

Advertisements

Finally, when’s the last time you ate something? It’s important to stay fully hydrated and fueled or you won’t have any energy to go out and concur the world. Or… be spiteful and mean, dealer’s choice I suppose.

No, no, that’s it. Go getchurself a snack and some water. (: You deserve it you Mantis Breeding Free Mason who terrorizes people with strange and unexpected mail. Your success will be unmatched.

Parting with this final thought: keys to success are not for the faint of heart; each step must be completed in this order for best results.

I wish you luck on your road to the top NormalBatesBnB, but, you know, please don’t creep on anyone in the shower…

Stay spooky!👻🥰


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Advertisements

Faulty Advice Friday | AwkzCable

Welcome back to Faulty Advice Friday!

The place to F I N A L L Y get your toughest questions a n s w e r e d.


Lydia,

i can’t cook. i have no interest in learning but i’m bored of pizza rolls. what should i do?

AwkzCable

Merry Fri-muss AwkzCable, what a mess you’ve been. I’m sure ol’ Saint Lydia Claus has something for you 🙄😞

I can’t cook either, and while that may seem to some like an unlikely inability, it’s true! I’ve been known to turn poptarts into magma in toaster ovens. What I would have to advise is to couple up with a super cool cook type, and let them take care of the dirty work. ……. I mean….. 😉😆

If you’re not interested in abandoning your freedom/individuality/independence/whatever else the kids say these days… I’d say you have only a modicum of proper, plausible choices.

Advertisements

Choice 1: Peanut Butter and Jelly. There’s nothing more appealing than some of that salty sticky nuttiness between two slices of toasty bread, slathered in a whole mess o’ jelly. This should be a staple in the pizza roll maniac’s cookbook. — Just sayin’. If you have a peanut allergy, (i feel bad for you son. I got a lotta allergies, but a nut ain’t one) then I suppose that sucks and you will unfortunately have to starve about it. Come at me bro.

Choice 2: Hunger Strike. Who doesn’t love a good hunger strike? With the world we’re in, you could essentially live off spite and never ever have to eat again. I mean… shit, they say twiggy is the new piggy right? #GetEm You can fight the man, throw an adult sized temper tantrum because no one’s cooking food for you, AND potentially end up getting your way while pushing some potentially unbelievable agenda? Sign me up bro. (No, actually, don’t, this sounds kinda awful, I for one love pasta… and the FSP, so.. more nothing for you I suppose?)

Choice 3: The ol’ switcharoo. Pop over to a friend’s house, or even a relative. See if they’ve got anything edible, and feel free to switch out some of their food for your inedible frozen friends. This may require some level of tactful skill, be willing to start small. Make sure you take things no one will miss at first (brussel sprouts, some ay-pples and ba-nonos) and graduate to the bigger stuff once you’ve sufficiently convinced this friend/family member that it’s simply their failing mental faculties misplacing all these items.

Choice 4: Cannibalism. I mean, if I have to explain this one, I don’t think you’re ready for it. As my long lost great uncle once said, “If you’re going to eat meat, might as well be long pig.’

Additional points to choosing cannibalism? Might become a Wendigo (won’t know until you try right?). You can corner the market on food trucks for those who also share such predilections. You’re going to end up on Investigation Discovery at some point, and if that’s not #GOALS, I don’t know what is.

Hopefully you’re able to enjoy some of these very useful options. I know sometimes it can be difficult to think outside the box about our diets, but you know, it’s something we’ve got to pull together and figure out.

Stay mopey AwkzCable, keep yourself nourished. If you can’t think clearly, how in the hell you guna get away with it? Lemme get some shovels up in here.

Stay spooky!👻🥰


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Advertisements

Faulty Advice Friday | Pack0fl0new0lves

Welcome back to Faulty Advice Friday!

The place to F I N A L L Y get your toughest questions a n s w e r e d.


Lydia,

You’ve got to help me. I keep making plans with people but can’t seem to stick to em. I’m just not in the mood anymore. What should I do? How can I fix it?

Pack0fl0new0lves

Pack0fl0new0lves, welcome to the club… 🙄😞

Normally I find myself stuck on someone’s name for a moment, but when I saw this question, I could feel the need to help deep down in ma plums. *insert weird deep voice here*

More often than not, when one experiences the phenomena you’ve expressed here today, it can be chalked up to what we experts call, ‘Uh-oh spaghetti O’s!’

Advertisements

While you find yourself longing for the companionship of loved ones, you’re simply easily seduced by the comfort of some rather voluptuous bed sheets. So what is one to do upon receiving the UOSO (phonetically: oOOo-so) diagnosis? Well I guess there’s out one way out: t h r o u g h.

Instead of continuing to be a disappointment to your parents, you’ll need to act quickly or the damage could be irreversible…

Step One: Stop trying to contact the outside world. Honestly, whats out there that you can’t get from 70 different streaming services, gaming consoles, news outlets and even porn? Plus man, they made pretty much everything deliverable. Commitment is key.

Step Two: Stop speaking. If you aren’t seeing anyone, you don’t generally need to speak aloud, do you? Step Two.oh: develop a series of click like echo location noises to help navigating around the homestead. While you’re not necessarily blind, those super rad florescent lights and lack of sunlight are top tier catalysts for taking that major leap.

Step Three: Wardrobe change! You’re going to need those hater blockers. Yeah, you heard me right. Even though you’re well on your way to becoming the ideal recluse, you should always have a pair of hater blockers on hand. Never know when you might have to improvise not seeing someone.

Step Four: Leave a Cryptic Message. You don’t want to lose those amazingly important humans that somehow don’t seem to measure up enough for you to see, SO you should get a little creative. Send messages like, ‘Ive joined a cult,’ or ‘you’ll never see lammoo again.’ This allows you a tiny out reach while maintaining your distance. #boundaries

Wellp, that’s that! This should be without a doubt an easy way to finally fix your peat problem. 👀❤️

Stay safe Pack0fl0new0lves, keep yourself locked up tight. Remember, if you can’t hide yourself, how in the hell you guna hide some body else? Lemme get some shovels up in here.

Stay spooky!👻🥰


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Advertisements

Faulty Advice Friday | TuhTewzz

Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday!

The place to F I N A L L Y get your toughest questions answered.


Lydia,

I’ve always wanted to get a tattoo, but I’m not thrilled by pain. Or blood. How do I make sure I follow thru?

TuhTewzz

TuhTewzz, your name immediately causes me to wonder what knowledge you possess of The Equestranauts… but we’ll let it slide…. For now…. 👀🤔

You’re not good with pain or blood? I assume that means only your blood… If that’s the case, it would make sense to see if you and your artist could complete some sort of blood sacrifice (pro tip: in a pinch, just grab some random off the street. Usually an offer of puppies and candy helps!) before starting. Sanitation issues might be cause for pause here bud, but at least if it was just your blood that you had trouble with, well, it would be hard to know what’s what after all that, eh? Modern Solutions. This feels sort of like I just told you to Pimp Your FearTMSide thought: wouldn’t that be a pretty sick idea to revamp another throw back, can someone call Xzibit? MTV? *Insert me laughing at my screen thinking about him saying ‘Yo dawg, we heard you hate blood, so we put blood in your blood!’* (Please don’t sue me.)

Advertisements

Pain isn’tas complicated to get through though. There’s a surprising variety of concoctions available to keep those intensity levels at bay, although they typically come along with years of substance abuse trouble and sometimes a new twitchy movement you don’t know you’re doing… I guess, you also want to make sure you’re prepared for that. Of course, you can always decide to take a look at a body chart for the least painful places and just have some advil on hand eh? It’s using teeny tiny baby shark teeth to color in your body, not a firing squad. Suck it up buttercup.

If you still find yourself desperate for a tattoo but couldn’t possibly see success in conquering the above mentioned problemos, there’s always your local street fair and/or jail.

Hang on, hang on. Just hear me out wouldja? Start out by planning what crime you’ll commit. You’re just trying to get picked up, locked up, and inked up—that means, no 25 to life kinda bids. How’s about you just, I don’t know, take a few hostages at a bank or something low key like that? Seems like a solid way to land yourself in the slammer. (See previous FAF on how to do that amazingly, here)

Once you’ve done whatever deed you choose, you should have landed a snazzy pair of metal bracelets. If not, repeat until you’ve made it so.

Commissary is a wonderful thing in the joint. Hoard some chili, shebangs, and a whole buncha tuna so you can get ready to trade. I mean shiiiiiiit, maybe you’ll actually get lucky and have some kinda psycho Picasso to share a cell with.

I absolutely understand that jail’s not always for everyone, so don’t worry. Not everyone can be the mitochondria. Most people can almost always commit when they’ve decided the street fair is where their people are. There will be a line of children waiting to befuddle a very exhausted and over worked adult. Once youve waited your turn and you’re sitting in the chair, you’re going to need to brace yourself… You see, those stick on/water/temporary ones don’t hurt but sometimes the waters like suuuuper cold. Brrrr! 🥶

No matter what you decide, make sure you pick something you like. Doesn’t matter what Bubba in Unit N6 thinks!😘

Stay safe TuhTewzz, and maybe this weekend should be one for discoveries! I vote for blood sacrifice Sundays! Wait… Is it too late for me to keep that? 😅🤣

All the luck in the world, and please send pics if you do get one ❤️😀

Stay spooky!😍


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Faulty Advice Friday | SlAy_Belle

Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday! This is the place to get your toughest questions answered.


Lydia,

My kids always freak out around Christmas. The closer it gets, the more ramped up they get. My parents used to tell my Santa wasn’t coming, but that doesn’t seem to be working. How can I get them to knock it off?

SlAy_Belle

Welcome, SlAy_Belle, sorry to hear you’re dealing with some incredibly hyped up yule-lads. But tis the season, eh?🎄👻

I know you’ve mentioned you’ve offered vague, and most likely empty, threats of Santa not heading down your chimney. I’m sure you’ve told them that before, and without fail, you caved and Santa was allowed to distribute his gifts to all—stop me if I’m wrong. (I’m not, cuz I never am, ofc.🤣)

Sometimes, you’ve got to fight fire with fire. By this, I mean learn everything you can about the creatures who still roam through the minds of Europeans, using their collective creep factors to keep the yule-tide gay. Although, we like to believe living on a merit system—do good get rewards, blah blah blah—rarely does that end up working without providing the consequences.

There’s actually a being sometimes jokingly referred to as the Anti-Claus; although, he’s a bit of his own sorta monstrosity. This demon creeps through towns and sneaking into the homes of particularly awfully behaved chit-linz, and poppin’ em in the basket/cage on his back (perhaps as a snack for later). He delights in the whole flogging with a birch stick and has been known to leave coal in some situations. This intense monstrosity is none other than, Krampus. Guaranteed to scare your munchkins straight!

I can understand not being sure if you want to go to such lengths though. Sometimes scaring little ones can lead to late nights consoling their nightmares. Now, before you decide to investigate the Christmassy things that go bump in the night, make sure you’re prepared for whatever happens next. (Bed sharing, crying, etc.)

If you feel your tots are a bit too tater to hear about the horned beast who would happily accept them as their dinner, you can always take something of a more, guantanamo, approach.

All the infighting will give you a migraine, but you want to get into the Christmas spirit. Tie the kids to one another like they’re spies in your favorite series, but don’t just use any old rope-like thing you have laying about the house—use, the string lights. 😈

Once the Santa’s-elf-wannabe’s are secure, pop on your Santa hat and press play on that Christmas classic, All I Want for Christmas is You, by Mariah Carey. As those first couple notes begin to ring out, you’ll notice the eyes widening and the squirming begin to slow. Since they are in fact, children, it may take a few seconds longer for them to register exactly what level of Hell they’ve landed in. Be sure to proudly proclaim that this is what happens when they act up. Sing and dance around them while tossing strings of sparkly tinsel over them.

The beauty of this is that you’ll get your frustration out, have your own thing party, and for the first time in weeks, your kids will be silent. (O holy night!)

If they don’t learn their lesson from this, nothing short of throwing the whole kid away and starting again will work.

Either way, stay safe SlAy_Belle, and happy holidays! 😍


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Faulty Advice Friday | Aunty_Social_x3

Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday! This is the place to get your toughest questions answered.


Lydia,

This year has suckd. Now I have to go to some family dinners. How can I distract my relatives from asking me personal stuff?

Aunty_Social_x3

Salutations, Aunty_Social_x3! I couldn’t agree with you more—this year has had a picnic full of ants being chased by anteaters being chased by rabid wolverine-alligator hybrids. When most people meditate, I imagine they look for a calming peace, I personally try to channel my spirit animal: the home badger.

I don’t know if you’re aware, but honey badgers don’t give a shit. As… You might be able to see from the above gif. Anywho, onto your family’s shin-diggity-do!

I do know the pain of enduring a family function you just can’t seem to get behind. Whether it’s because of the toxic grandfather flatulent smoke screen, or a generalized sense of not belonging—have no fear.

There are only 3 legitimately proven ways to prevent your family members from over stepping their bounds. The first of which involves a blowtorch. Now, I am clearly, obviously, very qualified to explain how you need to set up a spectacular pyro technics show to impress and keep everyone talking for ages to come. So, with that in mind, make sure you place the fireworks in a pattern that will send them all flying directly toward the house. If there’s an open window that you think you can score one flying through… Don’t you dare hold back now. Make sure you get into the living room and tuck them into the curtains. Since you’re putting on a show, why not make sure you set some up behind the television? No one will see that coming!

Once you have all of your fireworks/sparklers—and matches if your trying for the desperado effect—grab onto that blowtorch. Light ’em all up in the most reckless way possible. No one else is going to pull out all the stops to create an amazing atmosphere, you’re doing them a favor. While the whistling, whizzing, shimmering wonders are exploding all around, get your phone out and start recording. You’ll never want to forget the looks on their faces. 😲😈😉 As everyone is rushing out to get a handle on what is actually going on, you can slip away undetected. Trust me when I say, you’ll never have to worry about the uncomfortable comments again.

Option numero dos: The Shadow Game. Select one person in the room to emulate at all times. It doesn’t matter who it is, but the less similarities the two of you share, the more entertainment you’ll have! You’ll want to mimic every move they make, from a light cough, to shifting in their seat, to of course, what they say. When you’re up to repeating what they say, you have to be certain not to use any words that person has not yet used. For example: I’m emulating my Uncle Rob, Rob has only said “Heyya, Happy Happy! Now, where’s that damn freezer box? Did you see the game? John Travolta has a strange chin.” If anyone speaks to me, or I want to say something, I can only use those words/phrases/combinations. In my case, they’d be about to find out I’ve finally come to the conclusion that yes, I am in fact, “Happy John Travolta, the strange box chin.”

This should keep you entertained for as long as you choose to go on. No one will figure you out, and by the end of the night you’ll either become some sort of king, or have completely alienated yourself. I believe in you, Aunty_Social_x3.

It’s okay if you don’t believe in yourself, that’s what our third and final option will accomplish. Seems to me that you’re mighty miserable and often hide away—keeping to yourself and acting stand offish. No matter how badly you want to let go and be part of the fun, you simply can’t get in the swing. Fair enough. The five minute rule is the one you need. Arrive fashionably late, allow each family member 5 minutes with you. Sometimes you can get lucky and walk into a packed room. Hang out for five minutes, fake your smiles, switch rooms, 5 minutes, excuse yourself, one more room. Have they all seen you? If yes, remember the bottle of wine/soda/bushel of kale/midget in clown makeup/whatever in your car (whether you drove or not). Let them know you’ll be back soon and head out. No need to return, they won’t notice since you said hello to everyone already. If your answer was no, and there are more rooms to slip into, make sure you do that. When completed, get a fake call in from work. No one will question the call, “We’ve all been there!” In order to really sell it, apologize profusely for the abruptness before you d I s a p p e a r .

No matter which you choose, stay safe, and happy Friday, Aunty_Social_x3! 😍


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Faulty Advice Friday | B0RNiNTHEWR0NGjEN

Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday! This is the place to get your toughest questions answered.


Lydia,

I’m having an existential crisis since I hit 20. I need to know, why does anything exist?

B0RNiNTHEWR0NGjEN

Ahhhh, Friday the 13th! Hope you have all of the black cats, open ladders, and at least one cracked mirror as you travel through today, B0RNiNTHEWR0NGjEN!

I’m not sure if I should be offended or just glaze by the fact that you turned T-W-E-N-T-Y and are questioning existence… wait till you find out that I’m older than Google.

Why does anything exist? I honestly would love to know that answer myself – but since you asked I’ll give it my best shot. Strap into your booster seat and get ready for some truth!

Trying to ask the big questions, those ones that buzz around in your brain and keep you up through the wee hours of the morning – that’s some real grown up shit, and I’m proud of ya, B0RN. Being a grown up also means accepting the hard to swallow pills (that as a child were fed to you in a particularly yummy liquid bubblegum flavor). Most of those pills work somewhat like getting through the Matrix or following the Yellow Brick Road all the way to Emerald City – you shouldn’t look too hard. Spending hours trying to figure out what the man behind the curtain was doing all along, well, as grown ups, the magic fades and there’s a lingering sense of disappointment. Save yourself the trouble, don’t peek behind the curtain…Or… do… but it might just be the last thing you ever see.

If you try to think of it more like a dream, not my dreams though, because those are really weird. Especially the ones with the poodles *shudders*. You’ll find out that everything you do makes no difference, you have no free will – and if you choose to do the less fun, more tame option with your path – there’s another version of you out there who’s living it up and having the best time of your lives. Oh, did I forget to mention the never ending combinations of alternate realities? Yes, yes, while you, here in this one, age and get wrinkles, and wither and die – there’s another more attractive and young version of you currently taking a shot out of the navel of a dwarf. (Man, I wish I knew that version… err… uhm… carry on.)

I find most things that tangibly exist, do so simply to annoy something else.
Seriously though, if you think I’m wrong, try to look at it like this:

  • Trees ⭢ Lumber Jacks
  • Life ⭢ Emo Kids
  • Older Siblings ⭢ Younger Siblings
  • Sleep ⭢ Alarm Clocks
  • Paycheck ⭢ Bills

I could go on for a while, but I think you get my point. You, me, and every other thing on this Earth is here just to cause agitation to external forces around us. We’re probably just a really strange DLC that was created for that game, The Sims. Honestly, in what rational, logical world is there: a cartoon that’s better at fortune telling than Miss Cleo, a Tiger King who has several methed out husbands that just hang around for the tigers and crazy, Carol Fuckin Baskins on dancing with the stars after butchering Don Lew- err, I mean, 50 Cent’s smash hit, In da Club; Murder Hornets(?!?!?), and *cringe* worst of all, people who don’t like pumpkin spice?

I think I just blew my own mind with that last one…

Why do things exist? Probably because somewhere, someone’s mom said so, and that was that.

Why do you exist specifically? Could be a number of things. Maybe you’ll cure cancer, or end racism. Perhaps you’ll get Alf off his diet of kittens after all these years. Maybe, just maybe, because your parents had sex and the condom broke. No matter the reason, I strongly recommend you stop trying to figure it out. It’s just going to give us both a migraine.

By the by, while we’re going over some of the super serious stuff, let me be the first to tell you: when you turn 21, you stop existing if your eyes are closed. So never, ever ever, never, blink ever again – or P-O-O-F!

🐈︎ Happy Friday the 13th 🐈︎, B0RNiNTHEWR0NGjEN😍!


OH! and PS, stay away from lakes, camps, hockey, machetes, crazy mothers, and deceased children. (I’m sure you won’t get this right away, but better safe than sorry, eh?)


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

Faulty Advice Friday | lookingforvampires

Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday! This is the place to get your toughest questions answered.


Lydia,

There’s a lot of things I want to do… too many plans to fit in just one lifetime. Do you have any advice to make more of every day?

lookingforvampires

Howdy LookingForVampires!

It always feels like time is running out, that 24 hours are simply not enough for us to get anything accomplished. The best way I’ve found to get more for my money (so to speak), is to ruin somebody’s day.

As we all know, life is a race of sorts. You’re only as good as the last Johnson you surpassed. When you do something like, pushing a baby pram into the street, or pouring old hot dog water out of your 4th story window and onto an unsuspecting passerby—you effectively rig the game in your favor. That unfortunate person will have to go to the hospital (like a punk) or chase a runaway stroller into heavy traffic. Now their day is shot, and you get to feel like you’ve accomplished more than they ever will today!

Some people, however, find they don’t quite have the stomach for such a hands on approach. Try hitting up the nearest cryogenic lab! You can definitely freeze yourself until science catches up and finds a way to replace your guts. (Or you know, we get some sort of ability to double the time in a day.) Now, LookingForVampires, I know what you’re thinking. “Lydia, how could I afford such a complex and extravagant process?” Well now, we actually have two options. One, wait until they close down for the day, hide in a lobby plant if you must, then sneak in and climb into one of the currently inhabited cubicles. Don’t worry, your new roommate won’t even know you’re there. If you’d prefer something more solitary, head out and grab yourself a big ol’ meat locker. Hook it up and get that temp to a nice freezing level. Hop in, and wait it all out!

I, personally, don’t believe I’d have the patience for being frozen. I’m very much an instant gratification sort of gal. If you’re like me, you’ll want a more expedient option. Start at least 75 projects within 3 days. You have no obligation to complete any of them, just starting them should be able to provide that needed fix of getting the most of your time. As deadlines arrive, spend about 15 minutes completing something in a half-assed manner. BAM! Two months later and you’re an astronaut trainee who also puts out fires, dances the merengue, has pickle shots, and knows the basics of how to change a horse shoe. Those titles alone sound preeeettttyy snazzy.

Of course, we are in the midst of 2020, however close to the end we may be. I think embracing depression might be a plausible solution. Instead of actually doing the things, take a whole lot of naps. Dream that you’ve done the things—who’s going to say you haven’t? How do you know dream you isn’t the real you, and because that you is just so busy, all they can do is dream about what their humdrum life could be—if they weren’t out being amazing?

No matter how you choose to broaden your day, you should try to remember that there are groups that can help you extend your lifetime. Hit up that awesome bro of bro’s, Xenu and see what they have to say. Perhaps, if you’re so lucky, you can get some readings, and even a billion year contract. At least then you’ll know you’ll be back to get on with certain activities and goals you missed the first time.

One last thought before I let you go. Maybe head over to Alaska. I believe they have an extended period of night that spans quite a while. I noticed that you’re “Looking for Vampires,” what better place to seek out the eternally undead than a night filled land? Becoming one with the legion of blood suckers might just be the most ideal option for you!

Stay curious, LookingForVampires, and please, if you choose the first option, remember to keep a diary of all your deeds. Looking over them will help you see how much you really want did do, and you know, help the cops with their investigation should you cause too much of a problem.

Happy Friday, LookingForVampires😍!


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.