Faulty Advice Friday | AwkzCable

Welcome back to Faulty Advice Friday!

The place to F I N A L L Y get your toughest questions a n s w e r e d.


Lydia,

i can’t cook. i have no interest in learning but i’m bored of pizza rolls. what should i do?

AwkzCable

Merry Fri-muss AwkzCable, what a mess you’ve been. I’m sure ol’ Saint Lydia Claus has something for you 🙄😞

I can’t cook either, and while that may seem to some like an unlikely inability, it’s true! I’ve been known to turn poptarts into magma in toaster ovens. What I would have to advise is to couple up with a super cool cook type, and let them take care of the dirty work. ……. I mean….. 😉😆

If you’re not interested in abandoning your freedom/individuality/independence/whatever else the kids say these days… I’d say you have only a modicum of proper, plausible choices.

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Choice 1: Peanut Butter and Jelly. There’s nothing more appealing than some of that salty sticky nuttiness between two slices of toasty bread, slathered in a whole mess o’ jelly. This should be a staple in the pizza roll maniac’s cookbook. — Just sayin’. If you have a peanut allergy, (i feel bad for you son. I got a lotta allergies, but a nut ain’t one) then I suppose that sucks and you will unfortunately have to starve about it. Come at me bro.

Choice 2: Hunger Strike. Who doesn’t love a good hunger strike? With the world we’re in, you could essentially live off spite and never ever have to eat again. I mean… shit, they say twiggy is the new piggy right? #GetEm You can fight the man, throw an adult sized temper tantrum because no one’s cooking food for you, AND potentially end up getting your way while pushing some potentially unbelievable agenda? Sign me up bro. (No, actually, don’t, this sounds kinda awful, I for one love pasta… and the FSP, so.. more nothing for you I suppose?)

Choice 3: The ol’ switcharoo. Pop over to a friend’s house, or even a relative. See if they’ve got anything edible, and feel free to switch out some of their food for your inedible frozen friends. This may require some level of tactful skill, be willing to start small. Make sure you take things no one will miss at first (brussel sprouts, some ay-pples and ba-nonos) and graduate to the bigger stuff once you’ve sufficiently convinced this friend/family member that it’s simply their failing mental faculties misplacing all these items.

Choice 4: Cannibalism. I mean, if I have to explain this one, I don’t think you’re ready for it. As my long lost great uncle once said, “If you’re going to eat meat, might as well be long pig.’

Additional points to choosing cannibalism? Might become a Wendigo (won’t know until you try right?). You can corner the market on food trucks for those who also share such predilections. You’re going to end up on Investigation Discovery at some point, and if that’s not #GOALS, I don’t know what is.

Hopefully you’re able to enjoy some of these very useful options. I know sometimes it can be difficult to think outside the box about our diets, but you know, it’s something we’ve got to pull together and figure out.

Stay mopey AwkzCable, keep yourself nourished. If you can’t think clearly, how in the hell you guna get away with it? Lemme get some shovels up in here.

Stay spooky!👻🥰


Advice given in this post should not be followed and is purely for comedic value.
Lydia Prime is not responsible for any person(s) who choose to do so and/or any damages incurred.
© Copyright Lydia Prime. All Rights Reserved.

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