Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday! This is the place to get your toughest questions answered.
Lydia,
My dad just started dating again, and his new girlfriend is the pits! How can I break my dad and his girlfriend up?
rottnblossm, Florida
Greetings rottnblossm!
Navigating the awkwardly uncertain seas of someone else’s love life is a tricky task. If you feel up to the challenge, let’s quit wasting time.
If you happen to be lucky enough to go to a lush af summer camp only to discover your long lost identical twin, stop reading here. There’s an entire movie (and remake) with step by step guides on how to make your dad’s girl run for the hills. On the more probable chance that you aren’t an unrealistic character with incredibly bizarre and unlikely situations arising throughout your life—I offer you the following:
As all of us know by now, Stacy’s mom has got it goin’ on. Unless this woman has a daughter named Stacy, I’m fairly confident your father will be able to escape the succubus’ vile and despicable wiles. (To all those with Stacy step-siblings, we salute you 🤤. Just deal with your new kink and keep it moving.)
Consider letting this halftime hussy know how adorable your father thinks her crow’s feet are— just to weaken her defenses. Once her quivering lip and attempts at hiding the cracking of her voice, tell her all about the other girlfriends/flings/one nightstands he’s had in the last week. If she’s new enough that you can get away with mixing up names, bonus points.
That should be enough to get her panicking and send those daddy issues into hyper drive. When she confronts your father and tries to drag you in as her defence, deny, deny, deny. Accuse her of being irrational and ask your dad if he’s going to allow this woman to call you a liar.
9 out of 10 dad’s won’t want to deal with another crazy (like he’s always said your mother was before the change) and she’ll be on the street before you can say, “Jumpin’ Geehosofat!”
That being said, 9 out of 10 ladies won’t be fooled by this act of chicanery. The above has only been proven to work on the more weak and somewhat… off kilter types. That won’t stop you though! As Daddy always said, “If at first you don’t succeed, try double homicide!”
You’ve got no choice left, but to kill her parents.
Killing her parents shows you mean business and aren’t afraid to take out people you don’t know just to make a point. Yes, yes, Mr. and Mrs. So-N-So are theoretically fantastic humans. Possibly some of the most loyal God fearing red blooded Americans out there—but really, how great can they be? She is their daughter after all. It’s their fault, you didn’t want to kill anyone, they made you do it.
Your father’s first inclination will be to console his grieving lady friend. Completely right to do so, of course! In your case, rottnblossm, you’re going to need to taunt your unwanted pest. Allowing your dad to fulfill his duties as you begin to leave subtle hints for her. Clues that can’t fully confirm or deny your involvement, but make her think not twice but three or four times. For your act to not be done in vain, she needs to question her sanity. If she’s not tearing her hair out in front of a mirror, wearing 4 day old ice cream stains on her ill fitting pajamas (that definitely fit better 4 days ago), while messing up the words to some random nursery rhyme, then you’re not doing enough.
Things you can do to step up your game include (but are not limited to):
- Appear behind her in a mirror, or write cryptic messages.
- Break some of her favorite knick knacks.
- Nothing says “get the fuck out,” better than the old bugs-in-her-pillows-and-clothes-pockets gag.
- A cardboard cut out of yourself with reflective tape on the eyes to make it seem like you’re everywhere at once.
- Pro tip: if you do this, make sure you come back to clean it up before she can show anyone else.
In a matter of days this would-be step-mother can be reduced to a wobbly unstable plate of gelatin.
The final step: call on the men in white coats. Let your father think it’s his idea to call in some professionals. He’ll think he’s doing the right thing and Silly Sally will be too concerned trying to figure out what you are to put up a fight.
Happy hunting, rottnblossm!😍
Lapsed Reality 